Banana Blograma

Still alive just not really blogging

2009-04-10T08:33:00.002-05:00

It's pretty obvious that nothing's happening with this blog. I'm just getting used to life in New England and interesting creative endeavers (whatever they might be). Right now I'm moving porn off someone's computer to a hard drive so it can safely be moved back to his machine after I reinstall the entire operating system.

Yeah. I think it's time to start looking for a career change. Outside of that, everything else is awesome. Spinning and I are almost three months away from getting hitched. Feel free to call her Mrs. Cowbell Gene.

So sorry about the lack of fake news and all that. I'm totally burned out on that. But feel free to enjoy the Banana Blograma archives.

Love and monster jiggles,
Cowbell Gene

World's most awesome post!

2009-01-02T22:10:00.003-06:00

Only it's not from me! (how could that possibly happen?) But it's true! Surprising because nobody has been a bigger exploiter of blog fakery and decieving readers like me (it's a long story). But underneath that underworld of hi-jinks, real life spills through the cracks and reveals its wonderful self as shared by Spinning Girl.

Blah

2008-11-06T21:10:00.001-06:00

I've got nothing.

Happy Birthday Spinning

2008-11-05T15:00:00.000-06:00

You are my heart of heart and the sweet taste of life. I celebrate your life on this happy day!!

I met you doing the silliest of things but our like mindedness and love of condiments brought us together!

Happy Birthday sweetie!

Uh?

2008-11-04T19:56:00.002-06:00

Is there somekind of event going on? All these signs and shit like that everywhere with names and all that. Tonight on TV there's nothing but a bunch of TV shows where they keep showing a map of the U.S. where the states either turn blue or red. Are people playing bingo or Simon or something?

And who is Joe McPain and Barable Blowbama?

Just add burnt orange spray-on tan.

2008-11-03T21:05:00.000-06:00

see more pwn and owned pictures

Bread machine

2008-11-02T22:14:00.002-06:00

We've recently gotten a bread machine (actually the fiancee got it for her birthday). We've been wallowing in bread making fantasies ever since we unwrapped the thing. Our loaf came out as a perfect rendering of the planet Tatooine from Star Wars. Kinda sandy, smooth with a few fine crevices. Only Luke Skywalker's home planet tastes a little sandy and has little Jawa's and sandpeople crawling all over it.

(If that happens, it's time to toss your bread to Nutsey, the local squirrel).

Ahoy there pumpkin ravers!

2008-11-01T21:13:00.005-05:00

Hey! Back posting for the first time in who knows how long. I joined the Tabaneros where I learned to skeet shoot antelopes while balancing a bowl of Jello mold between my thighs. Times have been tough returning home. I've sold my body to old men for joy. They all turned me down (too hairy). But now I'm making a living in the northeast digging up weeds and selling them for a profit on the street. Sold three dandelions for a $562 bucks yesterday. I fucking love Japanese tourists!

Anyway, we were here tonight:

Maritime Aquariam Jack-O-Lantern Exhibit

Kinda busy

2008-07-10T19:37:00.004-05:00

I'm kinda busy right now. So here's some footage of a drunk referee.

Height Adjustment: A Short Story

2008-06-10T18:59:00.028-05:00

By Jamwall

It was a star-speckled black tie evening at Frommade de Jajoo, the gothic sprawling mansion that peered into the watery black distance. The ears providing the only sight of the horizon stimulated by the crashing mysterious waves.

I walked through the front entrance of Jajoo tightly bound in my tuxedo carefully tailored around my semi-flat, but slightly protruding stomach which, five years to the present, now threatened to breach that carefully designed fabric levy.

But a rare invitation to Jajoo would have me wearing plywood underwear complete with rusty nails protruding at my privates if I were so inclined. Comfort wasn't the point. Meeting the father of Jajoo was a rare event.

Jajoo's father rose amongst the richest with astonishing speed, buying up fisheries all across the Alaskan coast, all the way down to Monterrey Bay. Before too long, he consolidated all companies into a great white shark swallowing up the giants. Soon, the Gorton's fisherman was replaced by this kindly, but powerful son of a Japanese halibut fisherman.

As for how Mr. Fuji amassed the money to make such audacious investments was a mystery. On opposite ends of the gossip ping-pong match were stories of a man who bet on the stock market and won, others suggested sinister partnerships with the dark Japan underworld.

As I walked in, those ugly thoughts of Fuji enveloped in blood money melted away the moment I glanced upon his round chubby face. The sides of his mouth pushing his fat little cheeks across his widening face. His teeth shining so white and his eyes squinting with warmth.

"I was afraid you'd never come!," he said, shaking my hand vigorously. "Welcome to Jajoo, its my home and therefore, yours as well. How is your family?"

"Fantastic," I said. "They send their warmest regards. I know its rare to see you in person, so I want to say that my dad can finally have faith in the fish sticks."

Fuji jiggled with laughter. His head raising to the ceiling and shimmying like a bobble head as each convulsing muscle reverberated through his body as though he was imitating the adjacent Jello mold.

"Wonderful wonderful! You are a DEElight!, especially your father, very clever chap! Please let us pour you a drink! Jajoo and I welcome you!"

Frommade de Jajoo's father was like everyone's father, he saw to it that his extended family were treated well.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to play the room and greet the others. Gotta be a good host." Fuji sprung into the crowd and marched from person to person drawing screams of laughter and love for every square foot of that reception room.

Cradling my Zima martini, I watched Fuji surgically negotiate the room as I sidled up to belt-high cocktail table and started striking up stories with other strangers who, like me, regarded the kindly old pudge as a mysterious, but lovable father figure. Fuji was the star of the evening. A gargantuan resting in a 5' 4" pudgy but compact little package.

I studied Fuji's black tuxedo jacket as it skillfully floated passed beer kegs and eschewed empty bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade that were peppered through the reception hall.

I smiled as I lifted my cocktail to my lips peering inside my drink where two dark lanky blurry figures appeared to take residence at the bottom of my transparent plastic cup, standing to the left of the giant floating pimento-stuffed olive in an ocean of bubbly clear beverage liquid.

I lowered my cup in perfect sync with the universal gasp that erupted around the room.

Then dead silence.

Standing before us were two lanky black figures dressed in black ninja outfits also known as "shinobi shozoku." This was definitely something straight out of the Kabuki theater. But unlike ninja folklore, our guests never darted out of thin air, but walked plainly through the front door brandishing the most spectacular polished long-handled silver hatchets. I was mesmerized by the spectacular beauty of such a deadly instrument that I could see my open-mouthed entranced reflection in one of their arching crescent blades. Who figured such gentle craftsmanship could create such a deadly razor-sharp lopping tool.

My hand quivered as I raised the pizza roll to my gaping maw. My brain, not knowing what I was seeing, had to remind my mouth to close and start chewing so it can properly digest the delicate Totino's product into digestible food matter.

The tallest of the two dark figures spoke in a sharp authoritative Asian accent before the shocked crowd of onlookers.

"Do not be alarmed!," the masked man bellowed. "Our business associates are like the Federal Reserve. They can only create so much money before people start getting greedy and growing too large before they need a what we call height adjustment. In other words, Mr. Fuji can only pay us back two ways, by giving us his left foot and his right foot."

My eyes darted to Fuji who stood shivering violently with terror in the back corner of the room. His little feet shuffling in circles looking for a nearby window or a room in which to escape, sadly the dapper little gent had picked the back corner of two solid walls in which to mingle. Bad timing.

The crowed frantically scurried and parted ways like the Red Sea for the evil hatcheted goons as they slowly approached the shivering stark white Mr. Fuji. The fracas converged on the waiters who danced in an accidental Cirque du Soleil performance desperately balancing heavy hors de overs trays of cheese sticks, shrimp poppers, animal crackers and "SpaghettiOs on the half-can."

As I popped the final pizza roll from my paper plate into my mouth, I turned to my new acquaintances of whom I have enjoyed sharing ripping yarns about the soon to be footless Mr. Fuji and proposed a new location.

"Hey, I don't know about you folks, but I didn't come here to watch two ninjas chop off Mr. Fuji's feet. Shall we continue our conversation outside on the veranda?"

"Fabulous!," said Deidre, one of the charming new friends and heiress to the Funyons fortune.

"Yes, lets!" exclaimed Trevor, heir to the Chicken of the Sea empire.

Slowly we meandered through the crowd and out the door, the cries of "no!!! no!!!!" fading into the sound of the crashing ocean below the veranda. We settled amongst the comfortable aluminum lawn chairs and shared hilarity and charming stories of the growth of this mountain known as Mr. Fuji. Time sped by with the smiles and warmth that came with good company.

Before too long, two hours had passed since the arrival of the hooded hatcheted guests.

"Hey, I wonder what happened with that Mr. Fuji thing?" inquired Trevor as he nursed his beer bong with infantesque aggression.

"I don't know, I sort of forgot about it," I said. "Maybe we should go back up there and check it out."

With extreme caution we ascended to the French doors of the reception facade of Jajoo, not sure of what we would see.

Will we see a Japanese man laying motionless on the floor following his foot-ectomy? Will there be pools and streaks of blood everywhere? Will the dark hooded hatcheted lords still be there?

All thoughts rippled into our minds as we slowly opened the door and gazed into the hall.

"Its completely empty and clean as a whistle," whispered Trevor.

Our heads darted inside the doorway as we looked across the lapse of the hall across the spotless linoleum floors.

"Yep, clean as a whistle. It doesn't even look like there was even a cocktail party here," exclaimed Deidre. "We must have been talking a long long time."

Years later Deidre, Trevor and I would become close friends as we recounted the incident known as "the ninja height adjustment." Many details have since surfaced of the mysterious little emperor. But, that night, our calculated guesses of Mr. Fuji's adjusted height buzzed through the salt water air of the evening sky.

"Is he 5' feet tall?"

"4' 11"?"

"4' 10"?"

We would never know...

Still pantsless

2008-06-09T18:38:00.002-05:00

I'm currently without pants much like the monster in this video.

Totally busy and so on and so forth

2008-04-27T19:38:00.006-05:00

Hey! I'm one of those fun dudes who is selling my house. Actually its a condo.

Who wants to buy a condo in the suburbs south of St. Paul? Anyone? Yeah, I know, you keep hearing bad shit about the market, but nothing gets done without a little enthusiasm and lots of freebasing.

Seriously, we usually stop getting snow sometime in June. Somewhere behind these snowbanks is my place. Pretty nice eh?

Um....did I make a move?

2008-03-31T19:52:00.006-05:00

Ok, I'm lame, I haven't posted in a while. But I've been busy with some interesting projects that will become evident as the months crawl ahead. I do have something interesting to share from my latest trip to NYC.

My dirty dolly McSpankyrump and I were strolling down to Greenwich Village around Washington Square Park. Apparently these folks are chess mad because there's chess shops peppered near the park on Thompson Street. Each with marvelous chess sets designed with every theme in mind including the need to swipe your opponent's pawn with your bishop (or in this case with one particular chess set we saw...take his leaf with your rolled up fatty). Yes everyone! Its Stoner chess!

Did you know?

2008-03-17T21:45:00.005-05:00

That the guy with the silly haircut on the UPS Whiteboard commercials is actually Javier Berdem from "No Country for Old Men?"

You decide...

2008-03-04T21:49:00.003-06:00

Is this a man needing medical attention or an interactive modern art exhibit involving preformance art?

Join the crusade bitches!

2008-02-25T19:59:00.004-06:00

Print your ass a stack of TBDOA cards beyotches and pass them around!! You'll be doing the world a ton of good by bringing the monstrosity of Teddy Bears Dressed as Other Animals (TBDOA) to a screeching and fuzzy halt!

Spinner and I actually spent an entire day invading Mall of America and everything it stands for with a plethora of these little beauties! We've so far invaded Boston, Connecticut and Minnesota. We have New York, Chicago and possibly another major city in our crosshairs. Keep an eye out beyotches!

If that's not a good use of an entire afternoon, I don't know what is!

Other than injesting Murphy's Oil soap freebased with Twinkees.

I rule so hard in my pants

2008-02-11T05:22:00.000-06:00

Here's the certificate I snagged from my masterful introspective art work entitled "IF" submitted in Spinning Girl's art contest.

I think the frog represents my ability to hop skip and jump all over Spinning's naughty parts with reckless abandon. But here it is, the golden chalice of honorable mention certificates. I'm so going to print this out and wear it in my pants!

I think I might have an orgasm

2008-02-07T20:20:00.000-06:00

Happy in my pants

2008-01-29T20:07:00.000-06:00

Many folks ask me, "Gene, who sent you on this path of self-destruction, drugs, weird sex, slurred speech and pounding a piece of metal incessantly for hours?" I always respond by saying "Well mom and dad, my greatest influence has GOT to be Merrill Womach!

Merrill is the world-renown undertaker, organist and gospel singer. He is also the founder of the National Music Service which provides recorded muzak to funeral homes throughout all of North America. Why, when I was a kid, I used to sit in my room, with my Merrill Womach funeral home records, my trusty cowbell and several bottles of codeine cough syrup I stole from my parents and mimic Merrill's genius in the percussive style that I've become famous for. In fact, if you listen carefully in "Don't Fear the Reaper" you'll hear a little Merrill in my upbeat happy relentless clanking that truly explores the space.

But never mind Merrill's musical fame. Merrill has literally been "tested by fire." In October 26, 1961 a plane crash in Beaver Marsh, Oregon left him him horribly disfigured with third degree burns over most of his body. The trooper that he is, Merrill rose from the ashes to inspire a new generation. Here's a video of the miracle man in action arriving on a hero's welcome to the local burn center. Observe how Merrill lights up the room as he sings his hit "Happy Again."

Great dreams I've had: Part I, The Flowchart Dream

2008-01-22T19:53:00.001-06:00

This didn't originally give itself away as a great dream. The setting was a boring lecture hall, the speaker droned on and on with his introduction of the flowchart, but he left one interesting tidbit that enticed me: "If the problem doesn't get solved, no problem!"

Hidden behind a shroud was the following chart. So simple in its execution, so masterful in its conclusions. Quite simply, you start out with a "problem." The problem has possible ways to fix it. If it's fixed, well then cool! If it's not fixed, you try something else. Failing all possible fixes, you just plain give up, toss up your hands and say "fuck it, have a beer!"

Can't restore a corrupt database? Fuck it, have a beer!

Can't resolve a staffing problem at work? Fuck it, have a beer!

Can't fix the crisis in the mideast? Fuck it, have a beer!

Can't think of any interesting posts other than some silly dream you had many years ago? Fuck it, have a beer!

The dirty little secret

2008-01-13T21:52:00.000-06:00

Some of you have seen the post my Madame Spankymoon regarding a joke gift given to me for Christmas. Her callous and naughty post misrepresented the gift of a screaming (or singing depending on your interpretation) woman doll. She goes on to relent the scariness or "Scaritude" of the yelping miscreant. That photo is doctored I tell you! This keen little PhotoShopping job only displays the pure naughtiness our Madame Spankypants would resort to.

See for yourselves!

Doctored Photo

Original Photo
That's me standing on her dining room table. I'm actually only about eight inches tall and I like dressing as old English women. I make up for that by crawling up people's pant legs. The truth hurts.

I'm back!

2008-01-06T13:04:00.000-06:00

Sorry folks for not posting for a while. I was off having my picture taken.

2007-12-26T21:02:00.001-06:00

Part I:
The early days
by Arthur Lemming, recreational dirt napper, bon vivant and the world famous cellphone tower inspector
In 1898, the Motorola sisters Flo and Flo invented the first diesel powered horse-drawn cellphone that weighed only 1024 pounds (pretty dern good for back in the day!) It did 9 MPG in the city and a whopping 11 MPG on them thar rural roads! Pretty good. The drive shaft was taken from a '92 Farmall tractor and the wheel was taken off an old Barnes and Barnes 1887 horse drawn carriage. Gorsch darn thing worked pretty darn good fer all the jerry riggin. Not a bad deal right there ya!

The Model R (the 'R' is for 'Rolla') Motorola could have been purchased for the same cost as a loaf of bread and a pencil by todays dollars. A reel bargain! People in the past would roll that darn thing wherever they darn wanted! The signal range to the next cellphone tower was a whopping boppin two block range! That was pretty good in those days! I remember! My father bought his first Motorola R model back in 1995. He wasn't too impressed with these fancy pants models that would fit in yer car or your jacket. No, he wasn't a big fancey pants, he was practical. He used the good 'ol Model R model til his back went out.

After much cajoling, we talked the old man into getting one of them lighter models that you dragged around town like one of them Radio Flyer wagons. Much smaller and easier to get around. But he wasn't too impressed and felt guilty from spending too many of his hard earned dollars for a fancy pants 1939 Motorola Radio Flyer Razor phone. He always used the phone booth anyway.

Anywho, glad you could come along and enjoy the great history of cellphones, part I! While you're on yer way, here's an old 1898 ad for the Motorola Model R! Hugs and kisses to ya!

--Art

The 1898 Motorola R Model as offered through Bell Cellular. The nation's first cellphone service provider.

Happy Holidays from Banana Blograma

2007-12-20T19:12:00.000-06:00

Sorry about the lack of posts. Cowbell Gene has been extremely busy sniffing compressed gas duster and staring at people for no reason with his trademark vacant open-mouthed expression. Banana Blograma will return after the holidays after he has tried on the underwear of all of his blogger friends!

Kiss kiss and Happy Holidays!

Everytime a cowbell rings Gene gets totally fucking wasted...

Required reading by Banana Blograma

2007-12-13T21:21:00.000-06:00

Drink the sun and beer your own father

2007-12-05T20:56:00.000-06:00

There's an old tale of my junior high school days that is legendary along my trek as a total fucking cowbell rockstar. This one influenced my deep seeded instinct for mediation, mantras and truly believing that deities exist in many forms including that container of shoe polish you've always wanted to huff violently up your nose, or the jumpsuit I made out of Reynolds Wrap when I was baked on EasyOff oven cleaner, or the 231 pop rocks that I dipped in Liquid Plumber. People can deitize anything. That's the lesson my junior high industrial arts teacher Mr. Folger (not his real name, he's actually named after another canned coffee. It doesn't matter what kinda coffee, I could have called him Mr. Starbucks but they don't serve that in a can, I could have called him M&J, but those are just acronyms and they won't work at all. No...no...its more like Maxwell House without the "House." But I'll call him Mr. Folger to keep from revealing his true last name) taught me.

Mr. Max...ger...Mr. Folger was an industrial arts teacher who had a reputation for donning a pair of sunglasses over the entire course of the day. No one....not even his colleagues could attest to have seen his eyes. Why? Was this to protect his precious peepers from projectile pieces of shard wood while he operated the lathe? Nobody could truly tell because Mr. Folger rarely ran any of the hulking power tools that sat majestically in his classroom covered with a thin layer of common household dust. Those students hoping to hone their woodworking skills by sawing, sanding, drilling, were sourly relegated to bending and cutting sheet metal out of a pair of sheers and watching dull movies.

Folger perched behind those shades which would oddly grow larger over the course of the school day as his speech patterns and judgement would slur and stumble. Many fellow students and I often wondered how many bottles of liquor could be found amongst the porn magazines locked away in his back-office desk.

One such instance aroused the same suspicions amongst classmates who had the pleasure of having his 45 minutes of classroom siesta time.

One sterile morning, Folger shuffled off to the schools film reel library for something. Anything! To shut these fucking kids up for 45 minutes or however long. He stood at the shelf staring at countless educational reels resting in yellow plastic cases each branded with a faded mimeographed title sticker. One after another down the shelf as far as his shaded peepers could reach. The industrial arts section yielded very little, they were all movies about safety, manufacturing industries, woodworking that he'd shown before. Flustered and pacing furiously he stumbled upon an interesting title.

"Eat the Sun."

"Hmmmm...," thought Folger. "The movie 'Eat the Sun' must convey something relating to SOLAR POWER! I finally have a movie that can put these little bastards on auto pilot because I seriously don't feel like dealing with these high strung hormoned-overloaded little hoodlums."

Folger satisfied that he had the right balance of bland dry informative cinema in his hands, proudly strung together the reels and showed this movie to his first class of the day, mine. The projector roared to life and within seconds Folger had vanished into his back office sanctuary leaving 20 first period students alone with just the clothing on their backs and what appeared to be a very bizarre documentary-style student film/social commentary about bald-headed futuristic religious cult people who live underground in a series of tunnels where they proudly prance about in tinfoil long-johns.

Amongst the highlights, the film features an odd ritual where a person's mind is put into some kind of severe synchronization involving video signals and sound waves. In this ritual, one line of dialogue is repeated over and over again:

Eat the Sun, and then you will be your own father.
Eat the Sun, and then you will be your own father.
Eat the Sun, and then you will be your own father.
Eat the Sun, and then you will be your own father.

Okay...."Eating the Sun" could deal with solar power somewhat. Heck, solar panels absorb sun rays!....they sorta, in a way, eat the sun! But how does solar power allow me to be my own father? Is the power company my father? Why didn't mom tell me that it was the local electrical utility that fathered me all along? Why so many lies???? Whyyyyy???

But barring that, there were a couple other interesting lines of dialogue that seemed absent from the subject of solar power: "The ecology of the soul is to recycle one's consciousness" (Well its good to recycle....I recycle stuff) and "If they're old enough to pee, they're old enough for me!" (What??)

Now, just when it appeared that it was painfully obvious that this is a college student art film and NOT a movie about solar power, this was no matter to Mr. Folger who showed this non-solar power religious cult student art film to ALL FOUR of his remaining classes. Each time, those sunglasses seemed to grow larger as the bourbon soaked into Folger's brain, tinkling and drowning down those neurons. He didn't care, he had his diversion.

2007-11-29T18:16:00.000-06:00

Telltale signs of Writer's Guild strike seen in Hollywood streets

2007-11-20T19:43:00.000-06:00

2007-11-12T19:53:00.000-06:00

Banana Blograma Presents...

ASK ANDREW
MEYER

Andrew Meyer of "Don't Tase Me Bro" fame answers your questions about life, love and everything in-between.

Dear Andrew,
One of my co-workers has a bad problem with dandruff and leaving food crumbs all over her workstation. It gets all over the desk, and inside the niches of the keyboard. The problem is, we both work in customer service and periodically share the same computer! I find myself constantly cleaning our workstation from dandruff and disgusting food particles that have fallen all about. I feel bad if she sees me obsessively cleaning the workstation after she has finished her shift. How can I break it to her that her hygiene and sloppy eating habits are making me sick to my stomach without offending her?

--Revulsed in Rochester.

Dear Revulsed,
DON'T TASE ME BRO!!! DON'T TASE ME!!!! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!! WHAT DID I DO?!! OW! OWWWW!!!

------------------------------------

Dear Andrew,
My brother had a traumatic moment in his life when he was bitten by a rabid dog. He had his rabies shots and has otherwise lived a healthy life, but he is still gripped with fear whenever a dog is nearby. Recently, I adopted a toy poodle from the Humane Society and took her home. My brother visited one day and upon seeing the toy poodle, he ran away and barricaded himself in my bathroom. None of my family including my kids could use the bathroom because my brother refused to open the door until he had assurance that the dog was at least outside a 3 mile perimeter. I understand he has a legitimate fear, but the dog bite incident happened 33 years ago. How do I reason with someone who is so pathologically fearful?

--Perturbed in Philadelphia

Dear Perturbed,
Is he a member of the same secret society? What? WHAT DID I DO??? WHY CAN'T I ASK A QUESTION????!!! DON'T TOUCH ME MAN! HEY! LET GO OF ME!!!!!

DON'T TASE ME BRO!!!

OOOOOWWWWW!!!! OW! OW! OW!!!!

WHAT DID I DO??!!!!

------------------------------------------

Dear Andrew,
Every year I have received lovely home-canned foods from our friends who live 150 miles from us. Ordinarily they send us canned tomatoes, beets, pickles, things like that. Also, every summer my husband and I visit them and we have dinner together. Well, the last couple of years, they served up a couple of dishes that were truly awful. They claimed that they were experimenting, but the dishes were complete failures. The latest was a really inedible meat loaf they wanted us to eat. It was overly salty and we're concerned about our salt intake, so we didn't even finish our portions of the meatloaf. We've been noticing a very disturbing trend where they have been mailing us the very uneaten unfinished portions of food which we didn't finish. Why yesterday, my husband received a package containing a half-eaten meatloaf which scarcely resembles the portion of food he rejected over three months ago. It had been preserved in a Mason jar. I'm getting the sense that our "friends" have gotten too bizarre to maintain as friends. Anytime we talk to them, they always respond with a happy disposition like nothing is wrong. How do I talk to them about the returned uneaten portions of food?

--Freaked in Florida

Dear Freaked,
They're members of Skull and Bones! Its true!

Whoa!!!! Excuse me? Are you arresting me??!!!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

HEEEEELP! HEEEEEELP! HELP! YOU'RE ARRESTING ME!!!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE????!!!!

GET AWAY FROM ME MAN!!! GET AWAY!!! UGH!

DON'T TASE ME BRO!!!! DON'T TASE.....OWWWWWW!!!!!

Andrew Meyer is available by e-mail at donttasemebro@andrewmeyer.com. But don't try to arrest him because he didn't do anything. Just leave him alone. Hey! Get away from him man! Let him go!! Hellllppppp!!!! Heeellllpp!!! Don't tase him bro!!! Don't tase him!!!! Ow!!!

2007-11-12T18:37:00.000-06:00

Banana Blograma presents...

ASK A DRIVE
THROUGH
FAST FOOD
CLOWN

A drive-through fast food clown answers your questions about live, love and everything in between.
-----------

Dear Fast Food Clown,

My husband and I have been married for 23 years and have two kids. In the last four years, our sex life has waned as he has passed on just about every opportunity to express himself sexually to me. Meanwhile a scantily-clad single woman in her early 20s has moved next door where she dances nude in front of an open window. One night, I caught my husband not only watching her through our stairway window, but with a Baggie over his head secured by a rubber band and he appeared to be pleasuring himself with reckless abandon. Should I tell our next door neighbor to close her shades? Or do I need to discuss this with my husband?
--Worried in Worchester

Dear Worried,
Youzzz huzzbannzz apzerz vorvzzzz vizz urff sivvffzz luzzz? Thuzz, he findzzz hizzelz azzzorzzinzz tozz azzzto-erotic asphyxizzzlez and vizzeurismzzz az anzz otletzz. Confiizerzz spaffiizz uffss zer fuzz lifezzz, pozziziflyzz wizz somezzffiz kinkfizz thatzz matchfizzz hizzz darkeffs fantazzziezz. Drivzzz uzzz tooz thazz windowzzz. Thankszzzff yizz.

-----------------------------------------------------

Dear Fast Food Clown,
The world is a cruel place of blinkered philistine pig-ignorance that shears the life from my soul and exposes the underbelly of my hole that contained my inner spirit (aka, my spirit hole). I feel that I cannot go on because the tunnel of my existence is being closed for repairs, but the repairs have gone over budget and the department of transportation of my soul cannot stifle up the funds to release this project and repair my underbelly and keep my spirit hole from guzzling what's left of my soul. I fear that the fluids of my inner fluidity will ooz out and get all over the carpet. I cannot go on. I am a spirit...a walking ghost....a ghost in a wheel barrel who needs transportation. Will somebody please murder me?

--Spirited in Spokane

Dear Spirited,
Izzz wouldzzz recommendizzles openzzzfff thuzzz Wellozzz Pizzazz and findz azzff goodzz spychaffrizzzz sozz yuffzz canza getzzz somfuzzzzizz profizzedzzed to yoff.

--------------------------------------------------

Dear Fast Food Clown,
Hello. My name is Dorothy. My daughter has owned a cellphone for the last 5 months and frequently texts her friends. And I recently found out that she likes texting while driving and...

Dear Dorothy,
Yozzz daufzzerszz doeszzz watzzz wizzz herffzzz fonezzz?

Dear Fast Food Clown,
She text messages a lot.

Dear Dorothy,
Tefffzz mezzazzezz wurzzz herfff phonezzzz?

Dear Fast Food Clown,
Yes. And she drives while texting which I think is dangerous particularly for someone with her lack of experience..

Dear Dorothy,
Shizz texffzz mezzazzes whizz whatzzz?

Dear Fast Food Clown,
She text messages while driving!!

Dear Dorothy,
Whizzz Whazzz?

Dear Fast Food Clown,
WHILE DRIVING!!! SHE TEXTS WHILE DRIVING!!!

Dear Dorothy,
Shizz tefftzzz whizz sleeffzzing?

Dear Fast Food Clown,
NO!! NOT WHILE SLEEPING!!! SHE TEXTS WHIL DRIVING AND I DON'T THINK ITS A GOOD IDE--

Dear Dorothy,
Whizzles driffing disfffusszzes?

Dear Fast Food Clown,
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING!!

Dear Dorothy,
Izzz dizzonzz fuzzerstanffzz whatzz?

Dear Fast Food Clown,
NO! NO! NO!!!! GOD DAMMIT!!!

Dear Dorothy,
Whizzlezzz driffzzingsff Danielzzz?

Dear Fast Food Clown,
NO!!!! FUCK! FUCK!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!!!!!!! AAAARRGHHHGING!!!

Dear Dorothy,
Shizz teffftzz whizz fuzzing?

-----------------------------------------------------
"Ask a Fast Food Clown" is available weekly by e-mailing your question to fizzzzfoodzzzffcloffttttzzz@baznanazzflogfffrizza.comzzz or by sending your question to:

Afffzzzz a fizzzfoodzzzffcloftttzz
PizzzOzzz Boxzzz 25625
Culvizzzz Cizzizz, Californiazzzz 90205zzz

Remember, when asking your question be sure to talk directly into the clown!

2007-11-06T19:18:00.001-06:00

Glory revisited

2007-11-01T05:48:00.000-05:00

It's been a year and eleven months and a few days since this blog basked in the glory of its first Brilliant Blogger "Honorable Mention" victory (and it's last....honestly, I don't know if the award still exists. And that trophy....they made me return it to the bowling alley..)

Cowbell Gene: culinary mastermind

2007-10-25T18:57:00.001-05:00

The latest update on my culinary staring contest with Spinnerina. I told her that my entry was totally sweet and that I rule in my pants so hard! Check out her answer to my Caesar salad MASTERPIECE!

I like soup, do I need to toss the envelope in the microwave?

I rule so hard its popping out of my zipper.

2007-10-22T20:21:00.000-05:00

Spinnerooona and Cowbell Gene SQUARE-OFF IN A CAESAR SALAD CONTEST!

Greetings! Cowbell Gene here! Today, I'm slapping my talents against that of the great Web Funstress of my perverted and obsessed musings, Spinning Girl. Our first grapple will be a sleeper hold in the rough and tumble sport of Caesar salad making. Spinnerina insists that she has the secret hand to a salad that makes one surrender all earthly senses causing one to drop to their knees with visions of croûtons floating in their heads. Frankly, I'm not that blown away, I get that vision every time I dip dried croûtons in Murphy's Oil soap. However, I believe I have THE secret recipe of orgasmically happy Caesar salad.

For some background about this, go HERE.

Firstly, I fly in freshly picked Corinthian Romaine lettuce specially flown in by Richardo Montalban's nephew. Machine wash lettuce cold with like colors, delicate cycle, non-cholorine bleach, Tumble dry, Warm Iron if necessary.

Next, instead of using the same old croûtons, of which I have a huge economy pack of croûtons that I've had since 1998, try Polenta! Polenta can be purchased in a tube and is made out of Elmer's Glue and sawdust I think. It's available at Home Depot and Lowe's in the produce section. It makes awesome non-bread croûtons. Simply cut into cubes roughly the same size as the fuzzy dice that hangs from my rear-view mirror. Fry the hell out of the Polenta til crispy!

Next, I took a hard boiled egg and angrily mashed it into a powdery mass. This was its punishment for thinking that it was gonna get off the hook without getting scrambled.

Go straight to the grocery store and find something that says "Caesar" on it. Dump into a bowl.

Go to your medicine cabinet and grab a common tube of Anchovy paste. Just use the plain kind with Flouride. Try to avoid Anchovy pastes with Whitening Formula, Tarter Control or that AquaFresh striped anchovy paste. Those brands don't do well in a recipe like this. Put a dollop on a toothbrush and aggressively mix into the dressing.

Mix the Polenta croûtons together with the dressing, rich Corinthian Romaine lettuce and anchovies stolen fresh off your next door neighbor's pizza. Mmmmmmm....Tasty! I'm so gonna win this contest!

Next, I cram most of the salad contents--mashed hard boiled egg, Caesar dressing, Anchovies, and lettuce--into an envelope and address it to Spinnerina so she can sample the profound and life changing experience of sampling this aromatic yet delicate Caesar salad recipe!

Sadly, I accidentally left the salad envelope under the porn magazines for a few days. But, I swiftly fetched it and dropped it in the mailbox at about 4pm this afternoon......which means that it'll go out in the mail first thing tomorrow!

CHECK SPINNER'S BLOG FOR UPDATES!

Cape Cod investigated for improperly attaining steroids.

2007-10-20T19:59:00.000-05:00

CAPE COD, Mass (Banana Press International)--The Coast Guard and the Department of the Interior announced that the entire Cape Cod region is being investigated for improperly using prescriptions to obtain anabolic steroids for personal use.

Coast Guard spokesman Thor Gunsman says the peninsula is suspected of using steroids for coast-building. The entire cape could face disciplinary action by the Coast Guard, but Gunsman does not anticipate that the entire cape will be arrested.

"It was highly suspicious that the entire peninsula added two towns almost overnight; Pythonsham and Gunswich and it was shortly after cape residents and tourists reported a giant syringe-shaped boat floating along the midcape coast of Cape Cod bay last summer," said Gunsman.

A pharmacist connected to the probe has been arrested. Gunsman says the case stems in part from a Department of the Interior investigation into the over-prescribing of steroids for the peninsula's excessive erosion problem.

"These eroding peninsulas find themselves yesterdays news," said Gunsman. "The pressure of being a viable tourist and resort spot sometimes causes these capes to take rash measures."

Attempts to contact Mr. Cod were unsuccessful.

2007-10-15T20:06:00.000-05:00

Thorkelsen throws for 8,559 miles by using high-priority shipping to lead University of Phoenix 31-21 over Argosy U

University of Phoenix quarterback Todd Thorkelsen (#19) throws
a 2,053 mile FedEx football pass to receiver Ty Williams (#88) for a touchdown putting Phoenix ahead for the rest of the game.

AKRON, Ohio (Banana Press International Sports)--Todd Thorkelsen recorded a 8,559 mile passing game to help University of Phoenix break into the win column for the first time this season with a 31-21 homecoming victory over the Argos of Argosy University.

Thorkelsen, the Onliners all-time leading virtual reality passer, finished with 8,559 miles with three touchdown shipments. His overnight shipping touchdown pass early in the third period gave Phoenix (1-6, 1-3 Big Eight Online Conference) a commanding 31-0 lead.

"Thorkelsen was on-target with his passing," said Phoenix coach, Jack Enilno. "That last score was the most impressive. He could have elected to ship the football UPS ground which would have reached Williams in 3-5 business days. Sure its cheaper, but I think our boys could afford the extra risk and the higher shipping bill."

Virtual Running Back Ryan Dexter helped out the Onliners with 9 miles rushing, including a 3 mile touchdown car trip from FedEx Kinkos to the football field at a nearby park.

Keyboard safety Justin Boostramme intercepted a DHL package intended for Argosy Tight end Ladaniel Flaccid early in the first quarter sparking a 31 point spurt.

"I felt like I saw the ball well, I have a 20 inch LCD monitor with a DVI video connector so I better see it well," said Boostramme. "As a defensive unit we hit the other guys hard, I got a pretty good tackle on the Argosy running back virtually knocking him off his computer chair."

Following a paper football extra point by flicker Fuad Raveez, Thorkelsen kept on scoring plays in the first period and hit Jessie Cloud with a 1,899-mile TD pass late in the second quarter using UPS 2nd Day Air to give Phoenix a 24-0 intermission advantage.

"I took a nap and had to clean up after my roommate during intermission," said Thorkelsen, the 38 year-old English major. "He leaves dirty dishes all over the furniture, its really disgusting. Plus I needed some clean dishes because its pizza night. Anyway, I wanted to get back to the computer in time for the 2nd half. I don't think we did as well in the red zone during the 2nd half, but our defensive unit managed to rush Argosy's quarterback by shipping themselves to his apartment. It's a good thing they poked holes in the boxes."

With their first victory of the season, the Onliners bested the Argos in 3-5 business days.

Point/Counterpoint: Are bondage fetishes safe?

2007-10-11T20:11:00.000-05:00

Worried about safety and bondage fun on a budget? Bubble wrap is your answer!

Point
By Scott Grimhofer, thrifty bondage enthusiast and nursing home caregiver

Recently, we heard about recent news reports surrounding safety concerns regarding bondage fetishes. Namely those that include constricting the airwaves such as the nose and mouth with various household materials.

One particular fella from Britain recently died after he met a fellow male bondage enthusiast online, flew to his house in Massachusetts where he voluntarily had his head encased in heavy plastic, duct tape, and leather hoods. Only a thin plastic straw was inserted into his mouth so he could breathe as he was housed in the Massachusetts man's closet, this proved insufficient and the Brit died due to suffocation.

Now, I'm as favorable to household items as the next aficionado. Why? Because I'm thrifty and not willing to drop a cool $500 for a zipper mask and an extreme nipple torture kit. Too rich for my razor-blade drawn blood! No...no...I'm a cash-n-carry sorta fellow! So if I can snag some extreme reusable torture device in a garage sale, in a junkyard, or from a commonly used household item, I'm on it like a gag ball in my friend Jerry's mouth on a Saturday night!

But misuse of these items can be deadly. The lesson for these folks in Massachusetts; always have the jaws of life nearby!

I think I have the solution too! Bubble wrap!

Bubble wrap is plastic, it wraps around your head and constricts your breathing while you're stroking your noodle as well as any expensive elaborate device found in extreme bondage stores. Most of all, its safe!

Envision this, you have just wrapped your friend's head in bubble wrap, he's shaking hands with Ben Franklin hoping to lure the prize patrol in your extreme asphyxiation Publisher's Clearinghouse when he starts to gasp for air. Struggling to move his upper arms proves problematic because he's bonded in about 43 layers of duct tape. What do you do?

Don't worry! Its bubble wrap! Thousands of little air pockets reside in the plastic, just grab his head and squeeze every protrusion of the wrap. Not only is it fun to hear the little bubbles explode, which can be very addicting, but this will dispatch lifesaving oxygen to your friend, thus saving his life for yet another extreme suffocation adventure!

Just another tip from your friend, the Thrifty Bondage Enthusiast! Cheerio!

Stop popping me!
Counterpoint
By a roll of industrial bubble wrap

You people, all you ever do to me is pop my bubbles! Sometimes you pop my bubbles individually. Sometimes you like to lay me on the floor and jump up and down. Sometimes you like to wrap me around some guy's head while he strokes his noodle until he's about to pass out, then you grab me and burst my air bubbles just so he can breathe and live on to abuse the next roll of packing material!

Dammit! I'm not used for that purpose! I protect fragile cargo while they are being shipped so they won't get shattered into a million pieces when you get them in the mail! My air pockets cushion and nestle precious cargo with tender loving care sometimes self sacrificing themselves to provide optimal protection.

Honestly, who are gonna go with? That weird foamlike peanut packing material which is all over the place, spills on your floor, makes a mess? Its all over the place inside the box! God knows if its giving you the optimal controlled protection that a roll of bubble wrap is going to give! No fucking way! Bubble wrap all the way!

How do you freaks reward us? By callously cruelly popping our air filled nards into oblivion. Fuck you all!

Steinbrenner fires Torre, orders Torre to wear Billy Martin mustache and get into drunken bar brawls, rehires Torre

2007-10-09T19:46:00.000-05:00

2007-10-03T19:47:00.000-05:00

2007

Senator Craig: Airport Commission, Tear Down These Walls!

2007-10-01T20:31:00.001-05:00

1957

NTSB reconstructs "Bridge on the River Kwai" collapse

Warren Jeffs trial juror replaced with Folgers Crystals

2007-09-25T18:35:00.000-05:00

ST. GEORGE, Utah (Banana Press International)--The courthouse in St. George, Utah is home to the trial of polygamist leader Warren Jeffs. Monday, we secretly replaced the regular juror they would use with dark sparkling Folgers crystals. But the question remained, would it be rich enough for our judge? Lets find out!

Aroma-roasted, specially ground and made from Mountain Grown® beans, Jeffs, the world’s richest and most aromatic prophet of the largest polygamous group in North America, was found guilty of two counts of being an accomplice to multiple rape charges.

Jeffs, 51, faces life in prison for counseling Elissa Wall to go ahead against her will with the placement marriage to a polygamist man. Jeffs performed the wedding ceremony, urging them to “go forth and enjoy a smooth, balanced, and decaffeinated roast made from Mountain Grown beans."

Wall testified that when she later went to Jeffs and told him that her husband was fondling her in unacceptable ways, Jeffs told her to “repent” and to enjoy "Folgers® Instant Coffee Crystals which are carefully roasted to give you the right balance of flavor and strength. Enjoy the eye-opening aroma today!"

Jeffs and his followers are fundamentalist Mormons who claim to be the only true and faithful followers of Mormonism founder Joseph Smith. The fundamentalists broke with the mainstream church to pursue the rich aroma and flavor of Folgers® because they could have in an instant. With Folgers Instant, you can have coffee whenever and wherever you want it—just pick your style. The jury deliberated Friday and Monday before reaching the unanimous decision.

Folgers Crystals, rich enough to be served in America's finest courtrooms!

Local CuddleGuard soldier killed in cuddle party frakas just days before returning home

2007-09-17T18:28:00.000-05:00

Eugene Hunkleston, 36, will be buried at Temperpedic Cemetary where his body will be laid to rest on temperature sensitive material that adjusts to his body weight and temperature for complete comfort, support (in an entirely non-sexual, physically-intimate manner)

Karbala, Iraq (Banana Press International)--Eugene Hunkleston, 42, father of three, mother of 4, husband, and 2nd cousin twice-removed, was looking forward to his journey home from the 145th Pillowbourne CuddleGuard duty in Karbala. The veteran CuddleGuard staff sergeant was about to complete his 2nd call of duty, overseeing a particularly dangerous non-sexual cuddle party when he was killed by an ICC (Improvised Cuddle Crush).

Hunkleston, 39, intervened when he detected sublevel movement underneath a burka and what appeared to be a violation of the Corps cuddle code. He then leaped between the sexually-culminating frakas only to be crushed to death. Official cause of death was asphyxiation, but auto-eroticism was directly ruled out.

"It's too bad he didn't get a chance to enjoy his death," said Maj Jonathan Snugglerude. "Eugene always believed that it was America's mission to provide the Iraqi people with several non-sexual group physical intimacy experiences through cuddling."

The mayor of Hunkleston's hometown of Cottonville, Indiana ordered all down comforters to be stuffed halfway, for women to only wear nightshirts with no undies, and for men to wear only pajama bottoms.

Friends and family of this soft sleepy town mourned the loss of their hero and friend.

"Gene was born to defend the concept of the non-sexual cuddleparty and maintaining physical intimacy without penetration," said former high school classmate, Gary Nailboard. "He and I used to dress in military fatigues and cuddle on a frequent basis. Never was my sexuality ever threatened. He was a real pro."

After his 2nd tour of duty, Hunkleston, 41, was set to return to his non-sexually threatening life where men and women learn how to communicate more effectively, and learn how to create boundaries without rejecting the non-sexual interaction of others.

He was returning to a home once draped in yellow pajamas. Now he returns to a home peppered with photos of the hometown hero and several of his favorite pillows--pillows without an owner.

"Gene believed that we need to protect America's non-sexual boundaries," said wife Slumber. "He was a father, a mother, a father again, a father after that and a father a couple more times I think, I forgot because my husband had a strict non-threatening and non-penetration policy and I don't remember us ever having sex."

Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt claims that he fathered all of Hunkleston's children including all of his 2nd cousin's twice and three-times removed, both times.

"I'm a fuckin stud," said von Anhalt.

2007-09-17T05:28:00.001-05:00

REPOST: Banana Tag-o Rama: Part III: The insanity of 70s guy Steve Austin

It appears that I've been tagged once again. This time by Stacy (Someone who used to have a blog, but doesn't now). She presented me with the challenge of digging deep into the Banana Blograma archives:

Stacey's Rules:
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag other people to do the same (I might be altering this last step a bit)

This took me back to August 16, 2004. To my now-defunct "No Talent Assclown of the Week" feature where I showcased Oscar Goldman from the Six Million Dollar Man as being "as useful as tits on a boar" sitting back in his leather chair, letting Steve Austin do all the difficult jobs (kinda like Jim Fowler's situation with Marlin Perkins of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom). I was feeling very angry back in August apparently.

Anyway, this brought to fruition the 5th sentence of my 23rd Banana Blograma posting:

"The bionic man was really getting screwed over, while getting less time from Farrah Fawcett (that would drive any 70s guy insane!)."

To back up my arguments of the "Madness of Steve Austin," observe the aspects of his bizarre behavior. Some important things need to be considered:

Steve Austin/Lee Majors was married to then supermodel Farrah Fawcett (but couldn't enjoy "quality time" because of Oscar Fucking Goldman.)
Lee was, how shall I say it, a bit of a dumbass. He became annoyed at Farrah's supermodeling success, not out of jealousy, but because she wouldn't be around to cook him dinner.
He's married to a supermodel. This is a huge sexual opportunity for our bionic friend. He should be humping this chick as if the world were to be obliterated tomorrow.

Observe now, my chart that outlines symptoms of the bionic man's alienation from Farrah:

This almost diminishes the power of the Six Million Dollar Man. If Steve-o didn't have the bionic workings, this collaboration of crutches would make Steve Austin as vulnerable and pathetic as "The Boy in the Plastic Bubble"

I hereby tag:

Marshall McLuhan

Grizzly Adams

2007-09-10T18:53:00.000-05:00

The following is a pre-paid ad in accordance with Banana Press International.

Owen Wilson's inability to act self out of paper bag haunted actor

2007-09-04T18:46:00.000-05:00

Actor Owen Wilson, seen at a Hollywood premiere in 2005, was already aware of the fact that he couldn't act himself out of a paper bag. Experts blame this for the actor's recent troubles.

HOLLYWOOD (Banana Press International)--Sources from the Smokingnun.com website are blaming Owen Wilson's inability to act his way out of a paper bag as the prime source of his agony.

Sources close to the Web site detailed the actor's troubles with paper enclosures particularly single-layered grocery store shopping bags, but didn't say whether Wilson had more luck with bags that featured handles.

"It seems that Owen even had trouble with one-ply grocery paper bags," said Sister Mary Catherine, Smokingnun.com managing editor and mother superior. "There was also an incident on the set of 'You Me and Dupree' where production assistants soaked the paper bag in water for 12 hours prior to Owen Wilson's scene. Sadly, he even failed to act his way out of a wet paper bag."

Wilson, who returned from the hospital late Friday, has kept a low profile in a large cardboard Refrigerator box specially furnished with a bed, bath and a refrigerator.

"We ask that the media respects our privacy in this difficult matter," said brother Luke Wilson. "Owen is resting comfortably in a large box, we cut a hole for a door so he can come and go. Please don't ask us questions about what grade of cardboard the box is made out of or whether Owen is planning on trying out a newly-fitted paper bag, its just too painful for him at this time."

The actor's troubles haven't been spared by the late night comedians. Jay Leno, David Letterman and Jon Stewart have already made Ziploc bag jokes pertaining to the actor. Adding insult to injury, Burger King chains are now featuring the very tasteless "Owen Wilson Brown Bag Lunch."

"I was at a local Burger king and they were selling Owen Wilson Brown Bag Lunches complete with a figurine of Owen and a spray water bottle so kids could make the bag wet....disgusting," friend and "Wedding Crashers" co-star Vince Vaughn said.

Many efforts to help Wilson fell awry on the set of the 2006 movie "Wedding Crashers." There Wilson hired three acting coaches and industry leaders from the Paper Industry Association Council (PIAC) to try to get him to act his way out of a paper bag.

PIAC advocate, Polly Styrene, recalls helping a desperate Owen Wilson.

"How the paper is cut and folded determines the shape of the bag. Four basic paper bags are used for packages that consumers buy: flat, square, satchel-bottom, and self-opening. The flat bag is the simplest, Mr. Wilson couldn't even act his way out of that type of bag, even if we tossed some scissors into the bag with him," said Styrene.

No public statements have been announced by the Wilson camp. The actor has not recently expressed any interest in acting out of a plastic bag after being questioned by grocery store baggers.

Cowbell Gene Frenkel gets tagged!

2007-08-27T19:17:00.000-05:00

Not many people know that Gene isn't really my first name, its officially "Cowbell."

Jamwall is the made up part. I think. I think it has to do with my affinity for walls and jamming parts of my body into the crevices. I forgot man.

Anyway, here's a layout of "Gene" and what each letter means to me courtesy of the urging of everybody's favorite dragon (the one who isn't a sex addict who drinks turpentine).

G is for "G-string" (this is why I can only move my upper torso)
E is for "Each time I rolled and smoked a strangers underwear"
N is for "Nifty 'noshing"
E is for "The Emportance of Being Ernest"

I will not pass this tag along to anyone because I already came down with that and had trouble peeing for at least three weeks.

Point/Counterpoint: Restaurant service

2007-08-27T18:54:00.000-05:00

POINT By Jay and Brad, restaurant wait staff

"Hey guys, my name is Jay! How you doing today? Great! Why don't you take a look at our menus, in the meantime, my shift is over, so you're going to be hosted by Brad. He's a real nice guy and has a winning smile!

So, it'll just be a couple of minutes, okay? Great!"

"Hey guys! Welcome, my name is Brad, I'll be your host for the evening. Can I start you guys out with some drinks? Cool!"

Okay, would you like to start out with an appetizer? Alright! Popcorn shrimp and artichoke dip cool!"

"Here ya go guys! I'll be right back with something to nibble on! Alright! Holla!"

"Here ya go guys anything else I can get you? Alright! I'll be right over here if you need me!"

"Hey guys! How's everything tasting?"

"Hey guys! How's everything tasting?"

"Hey guys! How's everything tasting?"

"Hey guys! How's everything tasting?"

"Hey guys! How's everything tasting?"

"Hey guys! How's everything tasting?"

"Hey guys! How's everything tasting?"

"Hey guys! How's everything tasting?"

"Hey guys! How's everything tasting?"

"Hey guys! How's everything tasting?"

"Hey guys! How's everything tasting?"

"Hey guys! How's everything tasting?"

"Hey guys! How's everything tasting?"

"Hey guys! How's everything tasting?"

"Hey guys! How's everything tasting? Okay, cool! I'll be over here if you need me!"

"Okay, any dessert? No? Okay, I'll get you guys the check!"

COUNTERPOINT
By Mildred Millickky

"Hi...yeah...Ok."

"Hello, just water thanks"

"We'll have popcorn shrimp and artichoke dip, Thanks"

"Yeah"

"Nope"

"Fine"

"Fine"

"Fine"

"Fine"

"Fine"

"Fine"

"Fine"

"Fine"

"Fine"

"Fine"

"Fine"

"Fine"

"Fine"

"Fine"

"What part of the word 'fine' don't you fucking understand?"

"No"

REPOST: Banana Blograma covers Hurricaine Katrina

2007-08-20T20:00:00.001-05:00

The Buildup...

NEW ORLEANS EVACUATES ALL MEN IN ANTICIPATION OF "HURRICANE" KATRINA
............................................This is a BANANA BLOGRAMA ALERT!!! A "HURRICANE" KATRINA WHORE-NING IS IN EFFECT FOR THE NORTH CENTRAL GULF COAST FROM MORGAN CITY LOUISIANA EASTWARD TO THE ALABAMA/FLORIDA BORDER...INCLUDING THE CITY OF NEW ORLEANS AND LAKE PONTCHARTRAIN. A "HURRICANE" KATRINA WARNING MEANS THAT SLUTTY CONDITIONS ARE EXPECTED WITHIN THE WARNING AREA WITHIN THE NEXT 24 HOURS. PREPARATIONS TO PROTECT YOUR HUSBANDS FROM KATRINA'S HAZARDOUS PROMISCOUSNESS SHOULD BE TAKEN
"Hurricane" Katrina seen here gaining more energy near the Gulf of Mexico.

NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana (Banana Press International) -- New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin declared a state of emergency on Sunday and ordered a mandatory evacuation of the city as the homewrecker "Hurricane" Katrina churned toward the city with maximum sustained sluttiness.

"I wish I had better news for you, but we are facing a total slut that most of us have feared," Nagin said. "I do not want to create panic, but this chick gets around. She's already broken up about 25 marriages."

Louisiana Gov. Kathleen Blanco said that President Bush had called and urged the state to order the evacuation of all males in the New Orleans area.

More than 200,000 married or committed men live in the city, and many began evacuating before sunrise by the urging of many wives and girlfriends.

Blanco said that westbound traffic was heavy and that the state police was urging people to travel to the north or east.

Shelters have been set up at 10 sites, including the Superdome, for people who cannot leave the city for elderly men, medical or other reasons, but Nagin said they should be used only as a last resort.

"She doesn't care if a guy is 85 years-old or in a coma," said Nagin. "She'll totally do him!"

The National Slutwatch Center in Miami said low-lying males along the Gulf Coast could expect clothes to be removed and pants to be unzipped at a record rate as the Category 5 slut makes landfall early Monday.

The Aftermath....

Thousands of Mardi Gras revilers find themselves partyless

Stan Hoberg of Minneapolis one of many white suburban Midwesterners who head to New Orleans every Mardi Gras, is devastated by Hurricane Katrina.

MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota (Banana Press International)--Once Hurricane Katrina passed, partier Stan Hoberg thought Mardi Gras life would return to normal. But when flood waters overtook about 80 percent of New Orleans, Hoberg was devastated.

"Dude! I was like so sure that we'd be on for next Feb man!," said a disappointed Hoberg. "Me and my roommates had our plane tickets, we have weekly dress rehearsals for Fat Tuesday, my friend Tommy was gonna go on titty lookout, Shane was gonna secure the beer, it was gonna be awesome!"

Scenes emerged of desperation, deprivation and human agony at the five-roommate house just off the University of Minnesota campus, which Fat Tuesday partiers are used to seeing only on their television screens from the country's non-party areas.

Not a room was to be found within the duplex where despair didn't exist, and many of those dudes already in hastily booked accommodation found their party hopes fast running out.

The Party Emergency Management Agency (PEMA) administrator David Fukme meanwhile said airdrops could be launched in February to bring booze, beads and girls with large tits to desperate revilers.

People whose party plans might have been ruined by the hurricane, might be able to party in other parts of southern Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama. But Stan Hoberg is skeptical about this plan.

"Where's girls man???? You can't find them in Baton Rouge!," said a choked up Hoberg. "I'm devastated man! I got all my beads together man.....I...my voice carries really well when I yell 'show us your tits!'...I can't believe this is happening!...dammit!!!!"

Still PEMA officials see a major human crisis come February when thousands of frustrated, beer-desperate partiers crowd the airports.

"When the alcohol starts flowing and the boob flashing convenes, we could be facing a desperate party refugee situation," said Fukme. "We might have setup a huge convoy of busses to ship them all to Cancun."

Violence in the Streets...

Bush deploys anarchists to New Orleans to restore order

Anarchist Dave Melman, searches for his
nightstick in girlfriend Robin Smithers' purse.

NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana (Banana Press International) -- Anarchists moved in force into the storm-devasted city of New Orleans today as officials struggled to reverse a growing anarchy sparked by armed looters.

"Its bloody awful," said anarchist leader Johnny Rotten, who was appointed by President Bush to restore order to the streets of New Orleans. "These people are out of control, its like there's no government structure here whatsoever.....that's pretty scary!"

In a televised news briefing, Rotten said that 12,000 anarchists were to arrive in the area in the next several days, as well as punkers from as far away as the UK. Punkers will converge onto the city exercising 70s-style slam dancing tactics and wearing outrageous clothes and piercings to scare off hoodlums.

They will be given arrest and other law enforcement powers, Louisiana governor Kathleen Blanco said, and "looting and other lawlessness will not be tolerated." She also said had instructed them to "strictly enforce Louisiana laws and to use necessary force, but try to dress a little nicer."

The governor said she had requested 40,000 anarchists, "but if we hit the 40,000 mark and still feel like we need Billy Idol, we will get him," she said.

The Horror...

ALERT: FASHION CHOICES IN ST. PAUL SUBURB DESCRIBED AS APOCALYPTIC

A horrific photo of a man in a St. Paul area
grocery store wearing shorts, black shoes and
black socks outlines the bedraggled fashion
choices being made in the area.

ST. PAUL, Minnesota (Banana Press International) -- As bedlam spread from the latest sighting of a middle-aged man wearing black socks and shorts, fashion officials dispatched thousands more fashion police into the ugly fray Saturday and begged for patience against allegations that relief from the deadly cattur conditions often has been invisible.

"We totally understand what it's like to be dressed like an idiot, where you're completely oblivious to any semblance of good taste, color, and cattur whatsoever, " Homeland Fashion Secretary Calvin Klein said.

The Senate moved quickly Thursday to provide $10.5 billion in gift certificates to Saks Fifth Avenue for victims, and the House was set to convene today to speed the measure to President Bush.

But the federal government increasingly was on the defensive over the speed and effectiveness of fashion police efforts touted as massive and unprecedented.

"This is a national emergency. This is a national disgrace," said Jerry Jerrison, a hairdressor and head of Dakota County fashion police, on efforts to evacuate victims of their poor clothing choices.

Nipsey Russellton, who oversees the local department store response, remarked, "Those 2 for 1 deals at WalMart sparked the situation!"

A fashion police unit nabs a suspect
as part of their metro-wide
"cattur sweep" efforts.

Slidell still under water

Bob Slidell

Rescue workers discover S.O.S. at local grocery store

Banana Blograma
Rescuewatch '05

This S.O.S. box was found in the cleaning isle
of an area grocery store.

NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana (Banana Press International) -- Rescue workers say that time is winding down to find the identity of the person who left an S.O.S. box at an abandoned New Orleans grocery store.

Rescue workers Bob Spindell and Bob Ardell discovered a box in the cleaning supplies isle with the letters "S.O.S." emblazened in colorful letters on the front. Investigators are still trying to verify the significance of the box, which appears to contain several steel wool soap cleaning pads.

"We're trying to interpret the meaning of the steel wool soap pads," said Spindell. "Perhaps its from someone that works in a steel wool factory, or has a really greasy grill, or perhaps a person with a lot of really dirty dishes."

Rescue worker Morty Gonnorheha has already begun the desperate search for "soap pad guy" in many of the city's flooded restaurants and steel wool factories searching for the creator of the S.O.S. with desperate cries.

"S.O.S. soap pad guy!!!!!! We're here to rescue you!!!!!!........................hello!!!!!!!!.........we recieved your S.O.S.!!!!!............the jaws of life have arrived!!!!!!.....................hello!," screamed Gonnorheha, adding that his hope for the survival of "soap pad guy" might be to no avail.

"I personally think we were too late. Soap pad guy might have been able to survive for a while in the standing water," said Gonnorheha. "But after a while, the gigantic dynamic impact forces caused by the soap diluting in the water is very much greater than the static load the soap pad is designed to resist. Eventually, the soap pad collapses into a rusy mess, then you're in trouble!"

In other news....

Rooftop life getting lonely for many survivors.

Brico's late night epiphany contributed to this report.

The Crackdown...

Rescue helicopter returns gunfire

Photo by a mysterious caped flying man.

By Brico Trout, domestic war correspondent.

NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana (Banana Press International) -- The sound of anti tank missiles rang out throughout the devastated city at dawn on Wednesday. Rescue helicopters have been armed with the missiles as well as nuclear warheads and the now infamous bunker buster bombs for protection against the armed gangs that had been firing upon rescuse efforts in the diluged metropolis.

"Right now our biggest issue is people with rescue flares" says General Wesley Schneider "By last night we have had to take out no fewer than 27 instalations where these flares are being fired from. Fortunately these weapons are clumsy and are difficult to aim with any real accuracy. Not one of our teams have been hit yet but were not taking any chances."

Schneider's second in command, Private First-Class Parker, had a message for the instigators of the dangerous violence. "We have launch to kill orders. If we see anyone engaged in dangerous or violent activity we WILL take any action necessary." At another conference later in the day,Schneider went into more detail "for all the looters, murderers, and al queda sympathizers still in the city: we will find you with our infrared technology! We have already located hundreds of you lying silently in wait in your attics. We know your intentions and we will not wait for you to carry out your plans before we act. So for all of you without cell phones, radios, TV's or electricity hear me now: ITS ON!"

The New Orleans mayor made equally bold statements the same day exclaiming "HELL YEAH! WE'RE BRNGING IT! YEAH! He's that John Wayne dude I was talking about!"

Perhaps as a result of hearing of all the rescue flares hampering the rescue attempts, President Bush raised the terrorist alert in the now flooded big easy to RED (also known as "Condition Elmo.") The RED level means that there will be no street parking allowed in the downtown areas or in the courthouse parking garages, and all would be travelers arriving at the Louis Armstrong International Airport will go through a second scanner wand check before being allowed to access the airplane gates.

"We're gonna take this one day at a time," added General Schneider.

General Schneider

The Recession...

Further horrors to be revealed as Michael Bolton's hair continues to recede

Photo by an extremely desperate paparazzi.

HOLLYWOOD, California (Banana Press International) -- As Michael Bolton's hair slowly receded Tuesday, more of that bald shinyness surfaced and much more is expected.

Officials from the Hair Club for Men said Michael Bolton's hair began to flow down the drain, relief supplies finally flowed in, including a really stinky hair product purchased from China designed to make Bolton grow enough hair to look like Stalin.

Order began to be restored along the scalpline, and - here and there - even a hint of normalcy began to sprout. Video's of Bolton's head showed a progression of "hair seedlings" just along the right corner of his scalp. But many critics attest that these efforts fall short.

In Washington, President Bush acknowledged the withering criticism of his administration's initial response to Michael Bolton's hairline, said he would lead an investigation into the failures and vowed to build on the progress that emerged in recent days.

"This administration is not going to rest," Bush said, "until every strand of hair is saved, until his hairline is completely restored, until he can finally stop sucking."

The administration will seek $40 billion to 50 billion for the next phase of hair relief, according to Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid of Nevada, who said the federal share ultimately could reach $150 billion. Bolton's hair will dominate Congress "for the foreseeable future," said House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Texas.

Some parts of Bolton's head receded Tuesday, but 60 percent of his scalp remained underhair and more hints emerged of horrors ahead.

At the Hair Police Salon, where the search for strands of hair intensified, Mike Hunt, an urban hairdressor, said he saw "a handful of unstable hair strands."

"This is a thousand times worse than I expected," said Mike Hunt, who has 10 years of styling experience. "Now, I can understand why he did the long hair thing in the 90s. Sometimes it makes sense to overcompensate for sucking!"

The Rescue...

Prize Patrol frantically searching for people who may already be a winner

Photo by Earl Barlow $5,000,000 winner, could you be next?

Art Imitating Life...

New play "Waiting for Mike Brown" getting rave reviews

Vladimir (Vlad Impalerburg) and Estragon (Dick Testosterone), wait, in vain for the enigmatic FEMA secretary “Mike Brown.”

RATING:

RUNNING TIME:
About 7 days or so..

REVIEW:
Amazing experience! You feel like you're waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting........well, you know! It never ends!!! The production has also taken on the Antonin Artaud style of plunging anger, fear, violence and starvation directly to the face of the audience. Prepare to be locked in the theater for several days. Looting the snack bar might be a necessity and don't forget, packing heat is a must!

LOCATION: Louisiana Superdome.

Bush Finally Takes Action!...

Bush pledges to add more Alpacas along the gulf coast

Photo by a camera mounted on an Alpaca.
President Bush and Larry "the Llama" address the nation.

NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana (Banana Press International) -- President Bush pledged Thursday night to put the full effort and money of the federal government behind the addition of Alpacas along the Gulf Coast and vowed to its people that "Alcapas are terrific pets!"

In a nationally televised address from Jackson Square in the historic French Quarter of New Orleans, Bush outlined his plans to increase the population of the cute little creatures and to prevent bureaucratic errors of the sort that slowed the response to get more Alpacas to New Orleans during the aftermath of hurricane Katrina.

"Federal funds will cover the great majority of the costs of feeding the Alpacas," he said, adding that he would propose the creation of a "Alpaca Opportunity Zone."

"Within this zone, we should provide immediate incentives for Alcapas investment, tax relief for small businesses, incentives to companies who breed Alpacas," he said.

Hours before Bush spoke, Democratic congressional leaders issued their own call for a domestic "Marshal Plan" to fly the fuzzy little critters down south.

The idea would be modeled on the U.S. effort after World War II to populate Europe with Llamas, under the direction of Secretary of State George Marshall, which lasted more than two years and cost $13 billion -- about $100 billion in today's Llama (or Alpacas), adjusted for inflation and measured by animal weight.

Bush pledges to add more Alpacas along the gulf coast

Unicycle Man to the rescue!!!!

2007-08-17T19:34:00.001-05:00

There's a new hero in Cowbell Gene's neighborhood, a hero with great agility and ability and stability. He's noneother than UNICYCLE MAN!!!

Unicycle Man is highly mobile, everywhere he goes during the Spring/Summer/Fall months he's UNICYCLE MAN!!!

Unicycle Man is everywhere, spinning that singular wheel that rotates like a tornado, blazing through highly treacherous traffic, dodging cars, bikes and pedestrians with great poise. Why I've even seen Unicycle Man flying across a gigantic bridge near the airport and tip-toeing with care amongst the busy street crossings. Unicycle Man has great powers. For when there's trouble, for when there's a disaster, for when we are being threatened by terrorists, Unicycle Man is there. He's ready to smash the bad guys into pulpy submission simply by rolling over their heads 1,538,991 times, all with the mighty power of his unicycle!

UNICYCLE MAN IS GOD!!!

I scream and flail my arms about in pure pleasure of Unicycle Man's abilities, sometimes in the nude.

Now, people sometimes ask me "cowbell man, what has Unicycle Man done to prove that he has super powers?" I usually say "well officer, Unicycle Man doesn't need powers because the world actually revolves around his wheel, see Unicycle Man IS the center of the earth."

But after returning from the psych ward, I can't help but think..

I'm a bit concerned about things that Unicycle Man hasn't prevented. I mean, there was a pretty nasty bridge collapse that happened about 20 miles from me, a the car accident I saw the other day.....that War in Iraq....he never does my dishes or the laundry, I have do to that all by myself. He didn't do shit for those miners in Utah...I found a pretty gross dead frog on my patio last fall. Shit man! He didn't exercise his unicycle powers for any of those things!!

As a matter of fact, what HAS he done?

I can't think of anything, other than ride around on a unicycle.....

Fuck you Unicycle Man!!!! Useless pustule on the ass of life!!!

Douchebag!

2007-08-13T20:36:00.000-05:00

Canadian band Arcade Fire resorting to writing loud emotional passionate songs about everyday household items

Arcade Fire's latest album "Shoelaces," is a loud, operatic rollicking riff of passionate exhausting emotional collection of anthem like songs about everyday household items which spills its guts all over the floor and challenges the audience to clean it all up with one of those Swiffer WetJet mops.

Shoelaces, Dish sponges, a wash cloth, a pasta spoon. Hardly items fodder for songwriting, but Montreal-based band "Arcade Fire" has sprung to action exploding a rollicking passion of screaming and über-blubbering lead singer renditions about the most common household items.

In their song "Shoepolish, Part I" frontman Win Butler bellows loudly with exploding guitars and thunderous background violins about the gleaming passion that makes his shoes shine a thousand suns.

I've got Kiwi extra black that seeps deep into your soul
Buffin and buffin til your world implodes when your stuck in this hole
Shinin and shinin til the sun reflects bright like a semaphore code
Hoping and mopin for the brightness to rescue us from croaking like a egotistical toad!!!!!!! (Note, the exclamation marks are actually in the linear notes)

Equally as provocative is the passionate riffs and exhausting emotional screaming provided by Butler who cries to the rafters in a devastating rendition of "Pasta Spoon." Here he bellows with all feeling about how the regret he feels is like spaghetti that falls through the teeth of his pasta spoon. We know what you're thinking, if he would get one of those pasta tong things, he wouldn't feel such an explosion of sorrow, but Butler is a traditionalist with cooking his pasta and resonates with angry regret.

The song "Dish Sponge" and "Brillo Pad, Part III" have an equal amount of beaming and searing anger and regret that spills out into an orgy of energy and gets all over your kitchen floor. The act of washing dishes brings "Arcade Fire" over the edge of the very things that are traditionally defined as humanity, teetering the fence into mad passionate lust. All the instruments being sexual organs riffing away into arousal until the end of the song results into a bellowing scream and a smashed guitar.

While most people don't have a guitar to smash after they climax into sexual ecstasy. This reviewer prefers to smash kazoos. They're much cheaper and made out of flimsy plastic.

Um....anyway. "Shoelaces" showcases the band's ability to scream orgasmically about just about every subject. As seen in their 2001 album "I Like Non-Dairy Creamer in My Instant Coffee," where lead singer Butler almost broke every bone in his tongue during a performance in Vancouver.

After sampling this album, this reviewer started to feel unrelenting passion for his toaster. I ended up stuffing 32 BLTs down my pants that night.

Ask Michael Chertoff's gut

2007-08-07T16:48:00.000-05:00

Department of Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff has offered his gut to answer your questions about life, love and everything in-between.

DEAR MICHAEL CHERTOFF'S GUT:
My three year old daughter has started asking questions about her father who left me with no explanation five weeks before I had her. How can I explain such a painful fact that her daddy walked away and may never return?

--Overwhelmed in Orange County.

DEAR OVERWHELMED:
bllllllrrrrrrrbbbbb......blubbbb...eeeerrrrggghhhhhh...wubbbbblllrrrrggggggg!
guuuuurrrrgle.....spluuurrrbbbbbb......belch!

DEAR MICHAEL CHERTOFF'S GUT:
I am a successful 60 year old man who has been married to his wife for 32 years. Recently I found a pair of dentures in our bed and a tube of Polident denture adhesive on the floor next to some torn-open condom wrappers. Neither I nor my wife have dentures. Should I be concerned?

--Shaken in Schaumberg.

DEAR SHAKEN:
gggggrrrrrgggle.....bblllllrrrrrrbbbbbbbbbbb......bubbblerggggggggggggg..
spplurrrrrgle!

oooooorrrggggle....uuuuummmmblurrrrrbbblllllllzzz...

DEAR MICHAEL CHERTOFF'S GUT:
My wife and I have been married for 20 years and we have three beautiful children. Recently our sex life has fallen wayside to my wife's addiction to TV. Recently, we were having sex. I was on top of her preforming in the missionary position, when she picks up the remote, turns on the TV and starts flipping channels. When I asked her what she was doing, she said that she needed to catch up on an episode of "Hell's Kitchen." We already have TiVo. Is it possible that she's getting bored with our sex life? Should I be doing something different?

--Confused in Cleveland.

DEAR CONFUSED:
ggggggggglllllllurrrrrggggggg......blurrggxxggurgle....spluttttttbbb!

Ask Michael Chertoff's Gut is written by Michael Chertoff's gut. Write Michael Chertoff's Gut at PO Box 5555 Washington, DC 20012. Each submission must be included with a gift card to Quizno's or Subway since Michael Chertoff had an extra long meeting and he missed lunch this afternoon.

2007-07-31T21:00:00.000-05:00

EDITORS NOTE: People like to ask me "Jammers, do you just write retarded fake news articles for Banana Blograma?" My response is usually "Well, Mom and Dad, actually, I've written humor-related articles for other places as well, such as an occasional special-themed company newsletter!"

The following is a staff committee newsletter article I wrote about the "Legendary Arthur Lemming." Now, there's no actual Arthur Lemming. He's a fantasized and deeply embellished profile of a homeless man who was found camping next to our company parking lot behind the Verizon Wireless cellphone tower a couple of weeks ago. We have train tracks by our office, so we see some rather interesting characters.

The following is a Banana Blogramatized version of that article. There was one anonymous complaint of the theme, but as I explained, I think the homeless gentleman deserves a more interesting Walter Mitty alternate reality. For the most part, everybody else dug it.

Verizon cell phone tower inspector frequently mistaken for homeless person

Arthur Lemming (seen in a
1974 photo) has been one of
Verizon Wireless’ most
reliable albeit unorthodox
cell phone tower inspectors.

ST. PAUL, Minn (Banana Press International)--Amongst the urban landscape lies a vast redwood forest of tall, fruitful and proud cell phone towers all looming with great pride. Arthur Lemming remembers feeling such awe as a kid.

“During the Great Depression, my mother and father would wake us up at 3 a.m. so we could camp out over by the cell phone towers and gaze at them with wonder during the morning sunrise. I’ve always been around cellphone towers. Always! I know how they grow, how they live and breathe, how much water they need. Sometimes I sing to them,” says Lemming.

From that point on, Lemming yearned to be closer to cellphone towers when he got his first job 56 years ago with the local telephone utility as assistant cell phone tower inspector. Today, Lemming is a living legend, working as Verizon’s Chief Tower Uprightness Inspector, where he verifies the straightness of each tower.

“For gorsch sakes, we don’t want our cell phone towers to start looking like the Leaning Tower of Pizza! Is that what you want?” Lemming said.

Lemming’s methods have, for years, drawn controversy for being unorthodox. The tower veteran can be seen camping out at the base of the tower where he stays the night, sometimes several nights, monitoring and confirming the straightitude of each tower.

But recently Lemming’s methods were subject to controversy once again. He was dismissed from the Verizon tower in St. Paul after Police, once again, mistook him for yet another homeless person.

“It comes with the territory. Little do these people know,I’m living the dream. If they knew each tower by name, listened to their thoughts, fears and passions, watched them grow from seedling and produce glorious signals,then I think there would be more acceptance of my methods outside of the industry,” Lemming said.

This is one dirty blog

2007-07-29T20:29:00.000-05:00

Awesome! This is such a filthy blog. Smear condiments all over my cowbell!

2007-07-23T17:02:00.000-05:00

New breed of HIPAA Hop artists are ready to rap and protect your sensitive medical information at the same time.

Rapper Doctor Ali has entered the hip hop scene with a fervor of
hip hop designed to protect the confidentiality of your medical information.

With every mutation of a musical genre comes a new evolution. The most dramatic is the new movement in hip hop known as HIPAA Hop, the brand of hip hop influenced by the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) which was enacted by the U.S. Congress in 1996.

One of the great pioneers of HIPAA Hop is Doctor Ali, former member of the Bloods street gang, recreational street rapper, and practicing OB/GYN. In 1994, hip hop provided an avenue for the doctor in expressing his rage of the lack of efficiency in healthcare delivery by data interchange, and the dwindling confidentiality and security of health data through setting and enforcing standards in such songs as "Ize gots me a paper stack of yo medical charts":

Hustla in tha 411 age, dizzay be turnin no page
to tha lack of efficiency I be turnin mah ladies records
How is a gangsta like mah ass sposed ta protect mah bitchez
records fizzle gettin in tha wrong hands?

Such overreaching levels of outrage were finally quelled by the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) of 1996. Here, Ali vowed to be a foot soldier for truth, justice and proper handling of medical records.

"I was on tha streets cruisin' rocks, weed-smokin'. I was worried that I'll eventually git a cap in mah ass, it was no way ta live yo life, know what Im sayin?," said Ali. "So left the gang and became an OB/GYN, that way I stay close to the ladies."

"Yo, Yo, I wizzasnt upset `bout growin up in tha projects, I was much mo pissed `bout waste, fraud, n abuse in health care delivery n health insurance."

This rage drove Ali to his standing as HIPAA Hop's great pioneer of music that not only cares about your health, but is sensitive to your medical privacy with sprawling rapper songs like "Ain't No Hoochies Be Losin' They Records.":

Cos I like tizzy ghetto hoochies
One who gots tizzle big ol booties
Save tha drama fo` yo gynecolizzles I want is ta be a hoochieologist.

Like this!
Yo records aint gonna be blabbed by no pharmacist.
Hizzles hoodrat hoochie mama!
Yo records aint nobodys muthafizzles businist!
Hizzle hoodrat hoochie mama!

Ali was enraged recently by fellow hip hop artist 50 Cent recently, when he divulged sensitive medical data in his latest album "Fillin' Yo Prescription."

"Ah man, 50 Cent was blabblin `bout peoples prescriptions, whether they were doggy stylin'. He had songs where he rapped `bout leav'n confidential documents out in tha open, he even revealed that one of his fans was being treated fo` Lupus yeah yeah baby. That shit ain't muthafuck'n right!," said an angry Dr. Ali.

"50 Cent ain't no muthafuck'n pharmacist! I be sending my patients somewhere else!"

Doctor Ali has made it his mission to remove the more toxic and insensitive aspects of gangsta hip hop that results in the heavy usage of words that are damaging to your medical confidentiality. He's not afraid to take on the big doggs.

"Snoop Dogg is a millionaire but he won't be thinkin' twice `bout revealin that his ladies be takin Gonadotropin-releasing hormone to trigger new menstrual cycles. That shizzay is wrong cuz this is how we do it. We gots`ta stop siznuch a destructive culture in rap hip hop!"

Overruled!

2007-07-19T21:27:00.001-05:00

So like I get a call from the doctor's right? Apparently radiologists have been reviewing the x-rays that caused one doctor to give me a pneumonia diagnosis. Turns out, it was premature and I don't have pneumonia!! Yes!

This makes sense because, I don't know, there wasn't any of that coughing up blood shit or stabbing pains in my chest which I usually get from drinking too much bathroom cleaner. So it appears I'm clear from any lung infections and just have an annoying respiratory ailment. Yay!

I can start drinking again soon!

Maybe I should lay off the Murphy's Oil soap and try something fit for human consumption like Dawn dish liquid.

El crappo diablo!

2007-07-18T08:49:00.000-05:00

Welcome to suckville! A little over two weeks from traveling to the east coast to visit a couple of friends, I'm recovering from on onset of pneumonia since Fridayish. Oh happy fucking timing! Pour yogurt all over my nude hairy cowbell body because its antibiotics time!

I have been bathing in yogurt recently to help along my digestive system and prevent me from suffering the same fate as the average user of the Alli diet drug. You know, the condition where a change of pants is required (just in case). That's what antibiotics does to you and that's why I hate taking the little horsepill bastards. But they seem to be making a difference.

Whats more, I've been taking steriods! These are designed to expand the lungs to encourage better breathing. My hope is that the roids will get me bulked up and enraged so I can wear a pair of Zubaz, a wifebeater shirt, grow a mullet, and beat people up for looking at me wrong. Chicks, on the other hand, will be checkin out my guns.

So there could be hope for this summer after all.

Did you know?

2007-07-12T18:49:00.000-05:00

Believe it or not, there's still common perception that I employ a vast staff of writers, researchers, clerical employees, jugglers, astologers, astronomers, angry Mexican revolutionists and suicidal religious cults. But actually Cowbell Gene is a one-man operation! I merely hire people to act as symbolic employees.

Now back in 2005, I had my own staff consisting of a sweater-vest cult that practiced reverse-bigomy. Very nice people, but they creeped most people out so much so, the UPS guy would call the mailroom staff saying that my staff tried to remove his brown uniform in exchange for a red sweater vest. Tensions truly bubbled over between the mailroom and staff members over what to wear on casual Fridays. Mailroom employees ardently preferred a Hawaiian shirt day over the staff's choice of a totalitarian sweater vest regime.

Tensions boiled over when mailroom staff exploded into revolution rapidly beating down the oppressive staff leaving them strangled to death with their own sweater vests.

Mailroom revolutionaries (from left to right) Jane "Che" Russell,
Kim Novak, Dolly Pardon and Jane "Pancho" Mansfield.

Despite the body count, there was an err of optimism buzzing about. The office saw their first free elections and a winner was elected fairly with the help of former president Jimmy Carter. A feeling of freedom and optimism electrified the Banana Blograma offices in-spite the fact that the new office staff regime each had the same name as Hollywood starlets with gigantic breasts.

Since that glorious July day, the newly anointed staff pretty much vanished into thin air. A rumor I've heard is that they joined a militant sombrero cult, moved to another blog where they were suffocated by a rag-tag revolutionary janitorial staff when their gigantic sombreros were violently pulled really really far down over their heads.

So its up to me to answer phones (we have a rotary phone here, but it never rings, I suspect that its not plugged in. I'd fix it but I don't know that technie stuff), keep up the office supplies, and fondle the UPS deliveryman. So, believe it or not, I'm not ALWAYS passed out in my own vomit in a household cleaner overdose. That only happens on the weekends.

Local man gets rid of emo haircut, discovers eyes

2007-07-12T11:54:00.000-05:00

Banana Blograma goes retro!!!

2007-07-11T19:28:00.000-05:00

No, this doesn't mean that I'm posting another "Cowbell Classic." It means that this blog is returning to the "everything goes" format that gave the site its start. So, that could mean fake news, but its gonna include all sorts of other shit as well. Almost like a Jiggs Casey-like site on crack. No......wait....Jiggs is slightly on crack himself, perhaps on meth. So, I'm thinking that its an open-themed site that's been freebasing on household chemicals like Barkeeper's Friend or Crest White Strips. Anyway, it'll be kinda like the way the blog was around July 2005 instead of straight hard, long and throbbing fake news. Fake news that's so huge it could EXPLODE!!!!

Sorry...

Anyway. So now I can expand the posting possibilities of this blog, once again, whereas in the past I would clench my head, sometimes going outside to rub gravel into my hair, sifting for ideas, ANYTHING!!!

Plus, my outsourced writer from India got a job with Dell Computers to work in their call center in Dehli, thus shifting the burdon me to sift for ideas. So, anyway, to my old ghost writer, I'd like to say good luck Abjavasansalamanian!

So, basically, our "news department" Banana Press International will work only part time due to the fact that it tends to get understaffed from time to time depending on who gets deported. Then the cops keep showing up claiming that I broke somekind of labor law. So, well, yeah.

2007-07-06T05:30:00.001-05:00

Scooter Libby defense challenges Fitzgerald to dance-off

Gerald Fitzpatrick (AKA, Patrick Fitzgerald), left,
gets "jiggy with it" with Scooter Libby.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Banana Press International)--Lewis "Scooter" Libby is pursuing a dance-off defense in hopes of confusing special prosecutor Gerald Fitzpatrick (or Patrick Fitzgerald.)

Libby, indicted Friday on five counts of lying and obstructing justice, contends that any misleading information he provided to the grand jury or federal investigators was the result of a hectic schedule, foggy recollections, blurry visions, periodic black-outs, minor strokes, jock itch, and the occasional munchie cravings.....according to people familiar with his dimensia.

"Mr. Libby will not only testify that he doesn't remember anything, but will jump up and start dancing for no reason," Joseph A. Tate, Libby's lawyer, said in his first statement on the case, released Friday. Libby's friends say that he's been watching movies like "Dirty Dancing" and "Footloose," for clues on using the power of dance to deflect severe scruitiny.

"If you watch the end of Dirty Dancing, the Patrick Swayze character is under intense scruitiny by Jennifer Grey's father, Jerry Orbach. At this point Swayze is in a world of trouble because of his past indescretions," said Tate. "But once the music comes on and everybody starts dancing, Swayze has been completely exonerated."

Fitzpatrick has largely completed the 22-month investigation into whether any Bush administration official leaked Valerie Bertinelli's name as being a "One Day at a Time" cast member, without charging anyone with violating the laws that make such actions illegal in some circumcisions and just generally idiotic knowledge.

Instead, the grand jury indicted Libby, Vice President Cheney's chief of staff, on two counts of making false statements, two counts of perjury, and one count of knowing a lot of really stupid TV trivia.

The administration is bracing for a barrage of criticism about the Libby indictment and its flawed case for invading Iraq. Yet, White House aides believe they can do a "Rocky Horror Picture Show" revival to further distract prosecutors, with Cheney as Dr. Scott, Rove as Mr. Frankfurter and Bush as Rocky Horror himself.

New weight loss drug fatal if consumer exceeds 2000 calories

2007-07-01T10:51:00.000-05:00

Death side-effect serves as a deterrent against high fat diets

NEW YORK (Banana Press International)--Would you rather say adios to fat or would you rather say adios to your life? That's what the makers of the new diet drug are saying following last week's FDA approval for their new over-the-counter drug "Adios."

The new product from GlaxoGrimSmithReaper is hitting the shelves to the great fanfare by consumers hoping that a 60 mg death wish will melt away their flabby coating, transforming them into sveltesque rail-models.

The drug serves as a fat inhibitor blocking the amount of fat absorption. Any daily absorption that exceeds roughly 2000 calories a day will inhibit the absorption of oxygen to the brain and then shut down every major organ of the body causing mortality. Other symptoms of accidental Adios morality include internal hemorrhaging, liquefying internal organs and insanity.

"You have to be very diligent with this drug. A indulgence of extra fat such as a bowl of ice cream or a dab of butter can prove fatal," said Jack Kavorka, head chemist for GlaxoGrimSmithReaper. "What better way to force positive eating behavior then the fear of death?"

Dottie Ferguson of Poughkeepsie, NY was one of the first Adios test cases. Once 260 pounds, Ferguson lost an astonishing 200 pounds in only three weeks. She credits the fear of death with sticking to her dietary regiment of eating quarter-sized pieces of toast and reverse-osmosis water.

"I have tried the South Beach Diet, Atkins, acupuncture, hypnosis, Slim Fast, hunger strikes, home liposuction kits and a slew of other diet pills. None of them put the fear of death into me more than the Adios diet plan," said Ferguson. "I was so afraid of eating, that even munching on a few bread crumbs put the fear of God in me. But it's really paid off. My wardrobe has gone down 10 different sizes, I now wear toddler's clothes that are custom-made to fit my height."

Ferguson, who credits heavily-starched clothing to hold her upright credits Adios for its life-changing effects.

"People have been so sweet and generous to me. Even starving Ethiopian villagers have been donating their United Nations emergency food drop rations. I usually throw it away or give it to a fat person. But its the thought that counts," said Ferguson.

Ferguson who bruises if the wind blows too hard, says she feels her best in spite of occasional dizzy spells, fainting, slurred speech, blurred vision, headaches, hallucinations, vomiting water, dry heaves, orange-colored blood, and the occasional broken bone.

"My femur snapped like a breadstick getting out of bed, but that's expected when you rise out of bed too fast," said Ferguson. "Its a different level of existence when you lose weight. My tendency to lumber about in my big flabby body has now yielded to a sleeker physique. If you're gonna be brittle, 60 pounds is the way to go."

In test cases involving 300 adults using the diet drug, 280 have drowned in their own vomit, while the remaining 20 survivors have wowed their family and friends with the help of special harnesses to hold them upright and ribcage viewing parties.

"The Adios diet system is like a caring friend who is willing to blow your brains all over the wall if you don't do something about your life." said Kavorka.

Local man gets all serial killer questions correct on Jeopardy

2007-06-27T17:55:00.000-05:00

Local man, Todd Bifkin, wowed the audience
Tuesday with his mastery of serial killers.

BURBANK (Banana Press International)--Glory struck Todd Bifkin, estranged husband and avid knife collector but for only two amazing minutes as he blew through the category of "serial killers" with swift expertise.

"I was getting murdered, eviscerated and dismembered on every subject particularly by my co-contestant Angela, pretty Angela with her milky white skin and soft supple throat," said Bifkin. "I was getting every question wrong, I hit rock bottom, I could hear pretty little Angela laughing at me. Oh sure, the TV audio didn't pick it up, but I could hear little miss 'sweet-Angela' laughing it up and mocking my manhood loud and clear. Nobody belittles my manhood. Nobody."

Fortunes quickly turned Bifkin's way when Alex Trebek introduced the category of "serial killers." Energized with a spark of excitement, Bifkin knew he had a topic he could slice and fillet with brutal efficiency. With full confidence behind him, the serial killer trading card collector proceeded to bleed the competition dry.

"I've never seen anything like it," said Jeopardy host Alex Trebek. "At the beginning I never saw a more pitiful performance, he was getting EVERY question wrong, but when the serial killer questions came up, Todd's face lit up like a Christmas tree. He fired off correct answer after correct answer after correct answer. 'Who is Charles Manson, who is Dennis Rader, who is the Zodiac Killer....' He was a on a rampage."

Bifkin raged into to the lead ahead of co-contestants Angela and Duane.

"I could tell that Duane and Angela are in love, they were casting each other THAT look, you know what look I'm talking about...THAT look....I know that look, I know many looks and it didn't look like any normal look...you don't think I know that look? You calling me a liar? Are you calling me a fucking liar?," said Bifkin.

Bifkin's moment of glee was short lived when he failed to get correct answers on TV Show Stars, Potporri, U.S. Presidents, American Literature, Cartoon Characters, and U.S. Geography allowing Duane to take the lead as Jeopardy champion in the closing five minutes.

"Duane Duane Duany Duane-Duane.....Duanie Duane Duane....I wonder what his internal organs look like," mused Bifkin.

2007-06-25T19:32:00.001-05:00

Nazi hunter Simon Wiesenthal dies at age 96

EDITORS NOTE: We here at Banana Blograma did not feel qualified to report on the recent death of Simon Wiesenthal who helped catch notorious Nazi's including Klaus Barbie in the 80s.

So we have invited a renoun Barbie expert "Jenni" to write a tribute on the work of Mr. Wiesenthal.

Jenni, special guest of Banana Blograma.

Hi everyone!!! Jenni here!!!!!!!

After the big mean war, Wiesenthal and his cool friends decided to take a trip wearing glowing, snap-on fashions! They wanted to find big bad naughty Nazis, who were dressed in glittery wings, pretty pigtails, and cool blue streaks!

Wiesenthal lived in dirty nasty naughty concentration camps. No pretty raincoats, hats, umbrellas, or matching boots when it rained! There wasn't even pretty enough clothes for any puddle-splashing fun!

After the war, now dressed in pretty colorful matching clothes and pretty little bows and stickers, Wiesenthal was able to catch the naughty evil Franz Stangl, commandant of Sobibór and Treblinka, and other Nazis to the bar of justice! This bar had new with fab accessories for Klaus Barbie® doll and friends! You'll love the totally awesome hats, scarves, necklaces, and sunglasses!

So, with his bosom buddy Wiestenthal's help, Serge Klarsfeld helped capture and convict Klaus Barbie®, who came with glowing, snap-on fashions! He also had a cool name, the "Butcher of Lyons." Klaus Barbie still got conjugal visits from Ken® and still got to party it up with prison guard friends until his death in 1991.

Brico "Ken® Doll" Trout contributed to this report

Dudes manage to fix what's hosed on International Space station

2007-06-18T19:04:00.000-05:00

NASA mission dudes Steve and Pat, right, are shown as they do some
serious techie shit on the Space Station to fix what got hosed.

WASHINGTON (Banana Press International) -- Russian navigation were totally fucking hosed last week but some guys from NASA Sunday fixed what was "fubarred." The "crew" initially flipped out, but were later told to "chill" out as NASA mission control dudes gave the Atlantis dawgs the "A-OK." The shuttle is now poised to haul ass from ISS on Tuesday and get their asses home for some chow, according to NASA mission updates and shit like that.

"Dude, we were totally fucking screwed when the computers got hosed," said astronaut John "Danny" Olivas. "I wasn't about to call those Geek Squad fuckwads man, they blew my motherboard, I was ready to spaz out and whail on their asses, so now I gotta play Grand Theft Auto on my girlfriend's slow ass Dell, which was totally not cool."

Dudes on the ISS were all spazzed out and all like "Ex-cuse me?" until some bros from NASA de-fubarred the computer system. After the computer de-hosing, the shuttle's big-ass thrusters were used to help the station get ready to burn rubber. The test was to determine if the revived Ruskie computers were ready bail like a mother fucker.

Now, dudes on the shuttle Atlantis are scheduled to haul ass in the worst way to the Expedition 15 crew before the hatches totally close at beer-o-clock EDT Monday between Atlantis and the crib. Atlantis is slated to undock at 10:42 a.m. while most of the frat boys are catchin' some ZZZ's and pound some serious brewskies.

NASA officials call the technical glitch "freaky" but thank their techie dudes who got shit done and totally got the crew to "chill out."

Bush stolen by Albanian crowd

2007-06-12T20:28:00.000-05:00

President Bush is carried off by a delighted throng of Albanian
villagers in the farming community of Fushe Kruje, he hasn't been
seen since.

ALBANIA (Banana Press International)--Reports that President George Bush had his wristwatch stolen while shaking hands with Albanians on his weekend visit are false, Albanian police and the US embassy said on Tuesday.

"The story is untrue and the President did not lose his watch," a spokesman for the embassy in Tirana said. "They stole the whole president himself."

Several newspapers, television stations and websites reported that Bush's watch vanished on Sunday when he was greeted by ecstatic crowds in Fushe Kruje, outside the capital Tirana. Instead, Bush handed his watch to a Secret Service agent before he was grabbed and carried off by the jubilant crowd.

"It is not true," said Albania's police director, Ahmet Prenci. "We don't like wrist watches in Albania. Nobody steals them here. We use the position of the sun to tell the time. For example, right now, it is..um..sometime in the afternoon."

Photographs showed Bush, surrounded by five bodyguards, slyly putting his hands behind his back so one of the bodyguards could remove his watch. This was just before the farming community crowd stole the entire president.

Experts say that Bush will be bartered for cattle or livestock feed and should eventually be purchased by a rich collector where he will be mounted to someone's livingroom wall.

Vice President Cheney will be sworn in as president at noon today.

Same generic wife and kid seen at at trophy ceremonies

2007-06-06T19:23:00.000-05:00

NASCAR driver Jimmy Johnson (Top) and PGA golfer
Phil Mickelson (Bottom) celebrate sweet victories as
their Standard Issue "XR7325 Generic Wife and Kid That
Can't Walk®," proudly looks on.

SILICON VALLEY, California (Banana Press International)--They are the proud wives who gaze with pride upon their husbands triumphant trophy victory ceremony. For years the XR Standard Issue Generic Wife and Kid® have been a staple of athletic victories seen in auto racing and professional golf.

Manufactured through a partnership with Dow Chemical and a Japanese robotics company, the Standard Issue (SI) XR units have traditionally consisted of a smiling blond wife and a standard issue small child who can't walk and has to be carried. These model wives and kids have been used for every NASCAR race and major pro golf tournament since the early 90s.

"The XR20 Blond-Wife-and-Small-Daughter-Who-Can't-Walk® unit has been a staple in our industry for years," says Brian Blutarsky, PGA marketing vice president. "They were so generic looking that you could easily forget that Phil Mickelson's wife and kid was the exact same wife and kid used for NASCAR racers Jeff Gordon and Tony Stewart."

But last year, the XR units got a facelift when the XR20 units were retired in favor of the new XR7325 units. This time the Standard Issue wife is a brunette and the robotic child is now a little boy in an adorable "Winny the Pooh" outfit. But as many things change, they still stay the same.

"We test marketed the XR7325 at last years FIFA World Cup tournament with magnificent results," said FIFA operations director Jose Feliciano. "We had the XR unit matched up with every member of Team Italy, not one focus group observer realized it was the same wife and kid."

The XR units are manufactured from recycled pop bottles and recycled department store mannequins and are equipped with robotic servo devices designed to smile, and bat their eyes. None of the units are designed to talk, they don't have to.

"Why have them talk?," said Feliciano adding that they would draw too much attention from the more discerning observer.

XR plans to release new "friend and family" sports androids including the "Tennis Girlfriend Who Just Sits in the Stands and Applauds®" and the much anticipated "Parents Who Just Sit There and Clap®" models.

2007-06-04T18:47:00.001-05:00

"Jim Bob" Duggar rescued from wife's vagina.

Surgeons fight to rescue "Jim Bob" Duggar, proud father of 16 kids, from the vagina of his wife Michelle. Mr. Duggar was sucked into his wife's "hoo-hoo" in what is described as a result of extreme overexertion and mutations of Mrs. Duggar's plumbing following her 16th pregnancy.

LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas (Banana Press International)--"Jim Bob" Duggar is once again thanking the good lord Jesus again tonight after accidently being devoured by his wife's vagina Tuesday evening. Mr. Duggar was finally freed by surgeons in a harrowing 12-hour emergency vaginalomanectomy procedure and was later treated and released.

The couple, just back from celebrating their 16th child, had settled down in their upstairs bedroom, when Mr. Duggar said he had accidently gotten sucked into his wife's vagina during an attempt to "thank the good lord for his blessings while preforming the preliminary stages of their 17th immaculate conception attempt."

"This is such a blessing to be alive, thank almighty God for forgiving me and saving my life," said Duggar. "I have to admit that Satan's evildoers strayed me away from the missionary position, instead I almost created a sin of the mouth for the purpose of evil pleasuregivin' as I stared directly into the tunnel of God's little gift chute!"

Duggar said he was then sucked into God's gift chute and then sucked into the abyss, only to feel "like I had my hand in the cookie jar.....um...except pretty much my whole damn body was in there............................ooops.....did I curse?"

Doctors blame the incident on overexertion of Mrs. Duggar's reproductive organs, so warped over several childbirths that it barely resembles a woman's vagina and more like a dark endless "void."

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2007-05-29T19:14:00.000-05:00

Brett Favre and Roger Clemens to come out of retirement.

"We still have a lot of canasta games left in us" say former athletes.

Favre with girlfriend Myrtle Munson chats with co-canasta
dynamo "Rocket" Roger Clemens at the Ft. Lauderdale
Denny's.

FT. LAUDERDALE, Florida (Banana Press FutureNational)--Former pro athletes and world renowned canasta champions Roger Clemens and Brett Favre announced Tuesday that they are returning to the canasta card game leagues one more time.

"I really think this will be the last time," said Favre. "I'm not sure why you guys in the media keep asking me about it. I announce that I'm retiring, you bother me every canasta league offseason, gives me no choice but to return every year. Its really your fault."

Clemens return to the Sunnydale Pro Canasta League (SPCL) was urged by the recent struggles of his former canasta team, "Building 3A," a once storied card team that dominated the early part of the decade with five straight SPCL Sunnydale Championships.

"Building 3A hasn't had consistent shuffling in their lineup for at least three seasons, I feel a kinship with those guys. When they meld, I meld. When they pickup a discard pile, I pick up a discard pile, and when they discard, I discard," said a tearful Clemens.

Sports analysts are skeptical of Favre and Clemens return pointing to Clemens recent tendency to "hang" his shuffles and Favre's recent "Tommy Canasta Surgery" on his left card stack holding arm and his recent addiction to Scrabble. Still, Favre remains committed to another season with Sunnydale Building 3A.

"I was frustrated a couple weeks back when Randy Moss was traded to Building 2B. I never wanted to be traded and I don’t want to be traded. His size, strength and attitude makes him a cunning card player. But I want to be in Building 3A," Favre said Monday

Anderson Cooper devoting life to finding his best angle

2007-05-20T20:01:00.000-05:00

Anderson Cooper strikes a pose on Los Angeles' skid row looking
fabu in a Ralph Lauren casual blazer and Versace men's
casual slacks.

LOS ANGELES (Banana Press International)--CNN reporter and son of fashion matriarch Gloria Vanderbilt has reached a crescendo in his highly public life.

"Its the questions that I think a man must ask himself from time to time," says Cooper. "Where's my good side? Is it here? Is it there? How about if I tip my head down with my eyes looking up at the camera? How does that look? Where is my best side? I don't know. I'm not sure I'll ever know, but it doesn't hurt to try."

The gray-haired swaggering young newsman has sought answers like this for most of his life. Recently he reported from a battered woman's shelter located in inner city Detroit where he reached the stunning realization that he doesn't have a pose.

"I was interviewing a young woman named LaTrina who had been horribly beaten by her estranged husband, I was looking fabulous in my Tommy Hilfiger Midnight Cotton Batik Button-Front shirt and leather pants but I couldn't get a good steely body pose towards the camera," said Anderson. "LaTrina talked about a horrible story about being beaten by her crack-addicted husband, but I looked like an oafish flubbering walrus out there! I couldn't strike my 'serious steely-eyed' gaze toward the camera to save my ass. It was a total catastrophe!"

Cooper, 39, recently checked himself into the Calvin Klein Recovery Center (CKRC) to shake his low-grade pose compulsion. The facility is equipped with fabulous men's and women's fashions and over 300 catwalks for practicing steely poses.

"I really need to fess up and realize that I have a disease and that disease is slouching and striking half-assed poses. But I'm making progress, If I try to 'be the pose and see the pose' then I can strike the pose," said Cooper.

Zombified Falwell consumes other half of Moral Majority

2007-05-15T21:54:00.000-05:00

Newly zombified zombie Jerry Falwell (right) plunges his scaly
dead hand through the upper torso of former Moral Majority
colleague Pat Robertson (left) in a gruesome display of zombie
horrors. Falwell ate Robertson's internal organs with a white wine
sauce and a side dish of Tater Totts.

Martin Scorsese to direct 40th feature film using the Rolling Stones song "Gimmie Shelter"

2007-05-08T20:19:00.000-05:00

HOLLYWOOD (Banana Press International)--One would think that his Oscar for The Departed would put the icing on a voluminous cake that is the veteran director's storied career. The 64 year-old master filmmaker still has career plateaus to embark upon as he directs his 40th feature film using the classic 1969 Rolling Stones hit, "Gimmie Shelter."

"Who would have thought that there were more films in which I could use this sountrack? Unbelievable...absolutely unbelievable," jabbered a very excited Scorsese in his rapid-talking style of banter.

His 40th film to use the famous Rolling Stones soundtrack--Quest for Fire II: We Found Fire, Now What?--is a sequel of the 1982 prehistoric epic Quest for Fire and will feature at least three musical montages of cave men grunting, beating their chests, jumping up and down with Mick Jagger's rousing rendition of "Gimmie Shelter."

"In this particular picture, I see the cave men. Okay?, they have fire now, their using tools, they see circles in the shape of clouds and pebbles and they get an idea....the wheel!," said Scorsese. "I see cave men laboring away chopping at a large piece of rock, trying to build that wheel, pounding rock against rock relentlessly chipping away, laying the groundwork for mankind directly in synch with 'Gimmie Shelter.'"

Scorsese who used the song extensively in The Departed and Casino has curiously used the song for period pieces as well including Boxcar Bertha, The Last Temptation of Christ, Gangs of New York, The Age of Innocence and Kundun, the story of the Dalai Lama, amongst others.

"It's such a phenomenal song...absolutely phenomenal, when I first heard 'Gimmie Shelter' I gad a revelation of how it could add dimension to the camera angles and the movement of the camera and the action on the screen. Its just dynamic!," said Scorsese. "It inspired me to feature Jesus from The Last Temptation of Christ running around causing trouble mixing it up to a smashing rendition of the song. You know, Jesus is a troublemaker, he likes to mix it up, he's a rockstar just like Mick. It knocks my socks off!"

Scorsese's longtime editor and friend Thelma Schoonmaker is regarded as the best "Gimmie Shelter" film editor in the business.

"We would use different songs but Marty is so good at using this one," said Schoonmaker. "But he feels that he hasn't yet made the perfect 'Gimmie Shelter' soundtrack movie. It shows during the premiere's. Marty will frequently shriek in horror if one scene isn't quite in synch with the song. It's that lack of total satisfaction that drives him to be the best 'Gimmie Shelter' director in the business."

National Coalition of Bullies: "We didn't do nuthin!"

2007-05-02T22:27:00.000-05:00

Members of the National Coalition of Bullies protest
depictions in the media and promise to beat up
Banana Press International reporters after class.

NEW YORK (Banana Press International)--The National Coalition of Bullies (NCB) wants to know if you gotta problem with him because he thinks you're a pussy ass and would like to meet you outside so he can fuck you up.

"I know what you and the media says about us. You think its our fault all the time," says NCB executive director Mitch Mitchum. "Yeah you do, well we didn't do nuthin! We didn't fuckin do nuthin. Who are you looking at?"

The coalition, founded in 1978, supports several bullying initiatives including lunch money retrievals, throwing foreign objects at your head in class, making up stories about people's sexuality, and the much heralded "kicking someone's ass after school" program.

Several shootings, along with a score of other psychological problems in America's youth have been attributed to bullying in school.

"That's bullshit man," says Mitchum. "What did you call me? Huh? What did you call me? You got a problem with me? I'll beat your ass!"

Mitchum points to a recent statistic if we give him $20 he won't beat our ass in the parking lot. Other statistics find that we're more likely to have Mitchum kick our ass on the bus. Either way, our reporters are likely to be queer pussy asses who better watch out or he's gonna fuck us up.

Game replay confirmed: Tenet took a pass from Cheney for a slamma-jamma to the hole

2007-04-29T21:48:00.000-05:00

2007-04-22T20:15:00.001-05:00

CRITICS CORNER
with
Banana Blograma film critic
Jason Lummex

Hey guys! Glad to grace your presence for a fun chat about the latest movies! Many who know me say that I'm a tough nut to crack when it comes to movies. (I have rather refined tastes! LOL!) But don't let that discourage you from reading further. After all, its my job to save you the extra $16 from stumbling across a bad movie!

So, lets roll full-speed into our list of movies for this week!

"Vacancy"
Starring: Kate Beckinsale and Luke Wilson. Rated R.
David (Luke Wilson) and Amy's(Kate Beckinsale) car breaks down in the middle of nowhere, where they are forced to spend the night at a creepy remote hotel. With only the TV to entertain them...they watch slasher movie after slasher movie and eventually discover that the lowbudget slasher movies they're watching were all filmed in the very room they're sitting in. So, the whole time hidden cameras are trapping them in, watching their every move....sigh. You know where this is going..

This was a repetitive ordeal that I lost tolerance for very quickly. I actually walked out on this one.

"Blades of Glory"
Starring: Will Ferrell, John Heder. Rated PG-13.
Blades of Glory" stars Will Ferrell, who looks oddly familiar but I can't place where I've seen him, and Jon Heder of "Napoleon Dynamite." The two "comics" join forces to push the boundaries of slapstick with their ice-skating farce. Yawn! What you're in store for is a big budgeted Saturday Night Live sketch that's excruciatingly 10 times longer.

Once again, after about a half hour of nonsense I walked out on this movie.

"Disturbia"
Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Sarah Roemer (Who the hell are these people?). Rated PG-13.
A ripoff of Rear Window this silly detective story involves a kid who's problems with the law puts him under house arrest. Bored, he starts spying on the neighbors where he thinks he sees a murder...blah...blah...blah. At least that's what the studio press kit says.

I walked out before the opening credits.

"Meet the Robinsons"
Starring (with voiceovers by): Angela Bassett, Adam West. Rated G.
After circling the movie theater parking lot a few times, I was so fed up with this movie that I didn't even enter the theater.

"Fracture"
Starring: Anthony Hopkins, David Strathairn. Rated R.
I saw the movie poster for this one and decided that I had enough of this crappy movie already. I didn't even get into the car.

"300"
Starring: Gerard Butler, Vincent Regan. Rated R.
Saw the theatrical trailer for this movie while going to see another movie. I walked out on the trailer. I walked back into the theater to see the movie I came to see, but ended up walking out of that movie as well.

JASON'S DVD REVIEW:
"The Pursuit of Happiness"
Starring: Will Smith, Jaden Smith. Rated PG-13.
I couldn't actually walk out of this one because I live in a studio apartment and I don't know how to turn off my DVD player. So, I retreated to the bathroom, locked the door, wrapped my head with towels and wash cloths to muffle the sound from the movie, got in a fetal position and sobbed uncontrollably for the two hour duration of the film.

-------------------------

Well, that's my reviews for this week! Be sure to pick up my latest book "The Top 10 Greatest Movies of All Time That I've Walked Out On" available on Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble and Borders booksellers!

2007-04-18T21:16:00.000-05:00

Cowbell Gene gives us a glimpse of news in other parts of the country. Today, he shows us news directly from Banana Press International's local news affiliate in Peoria, Illinois.

BREAKING NEWS!

Horrible disaster in New Jersey. No Peorians hurt.

Footage of the disaster in New Jersey where many many
people were killed. No residents from Peoria were hurt.

NEW JERSEY (Banana Press International, Peoria Bureau)--Thousands across New Jersey are mourning tonight following one of the nation's worst disasters of its kind. However, Peoria residents are breathing a sigh of relief tonight with the news that nobody from Peoria or its surrounding communities were involved in the disaster.

The death toll keeps rising following a bad crash involving big machines and somekind of rail thingy that these big machines travel on. Witnesses recall hearing a crashing noise and seeing these big huge machines come off the thing or apparatus that they were traveling on. No Peorians were near this cataclysmic event.

Apparently a lot of people are dead because of the crash, but authorities are reassuring the Peoria media that all the victims are from other parts of the country outside of Peoria.

News reports did come out that a former Peoria resident, who lives in Pennsylvania, was experiencing some stomach discomfort roughly the same time of the disaster. Andy Wasserman, formerly of Peoria, treated his stomach ailment with two spoonfuls of Pepto Bismol. Wasserman is said to be upright and joking with friends and family. Peoria doctors expect Wasserman to make a full recovery.

"That was a close call," said Wasserman. "Must have been something I ate. But Pepto did the trick."

The mayor and city council of Peoria are asking residents to tie a yellow ribbon around their trees in a gesture to wish Wasserman a full and vigorous recovery from his indigestion which occurred within a 300 mile radius of the worst disaster in New Jersey history where a lot of non-Peorians were killed.

Countdown to next assinine Jerry Falwell media comment begins

2007-04-16T20:59:00.000-05:00

Space station crew to U.S. billionaire: "Don't touch ANYTHING asshole."

2007-04-09T20:30:00.000-05:00

Spaceflight participant Charles Simonyi (right) of the U.S. gets a nervous look from russian cosmonaut Oleg Kotov (left) as he floats upside down near some really sophisticated looking space station switches and levers.

KOROLYOV, Russia (Banana Press International) -- U.S. space tourist Charles Simonyi arrived at the International Space Station (ISS) Monday with gleeful excitement about being in space and an almost mischievous curiosity of the space station controls, much to the chagrin of fellow crew members.

"Chrissake! He's into everything!," said cosmonaut Fyodor Yurchikhin. "You'd think he'd be happy enough to float around in zero gravity. But then he gets bored and starts fucking with the controls! 'What's this do?....what happens if I touch this button?...can I pull this lever?' Why does my government have to be so hard-up for cash to let douchebags like that fly with us."

Fellow crew members were further bemused when Simonyi accidentally pressed the airlock lever, nearly depressurizing the entire cabin. "We would have all been dead because of that asshole," said Yurchikhin.

Simonyi -- a software programmer who helped develop Microsoft Word, paid $25 million for his trip to the ISS -- and two Russian cosmonauts docked with the ISS two days after lifting off from a Russian launch pad.

But it wasn't more than an hour when crew members immediately started complaining about Simonyi's on-board antics.

"I knew there was going to be trouble when he accidentally disconnected the vacuum hose for the zero gravity toilet," said NASA astronaut Michael Lopez-Alegria. "Next thing you know, there's zero gravity toilet doin's floating around the space station. That's just not fucking right."

Crew members finally resorted to posting "don't touch asshole" signs throughout the station after Simonyi inadvertently changed the orbit of the ISS after accidentally bumping into the on-board thruster engine controls.

"We almost collided with a satellite because of that moron," said Lopez-Alegria. "I have no idea how he managed to change our orbit. I'm one step away from putting that asshole in a spacesuit and duct taping his ass to the solar array."

The Hungarian-born Simonyi emigrated to the United States where he joined Microsoft when it was a start-up company. There he developed the company's flagship programs, Word and Excel.

"I'm like a kid in a candy store! This is awesome. Look at all these sophisticated controls and buttons and instruments. I wonder what this lever is for?," said Simonyi, drawing a chorus of "NO!!!" from his fellow astronauts.

"Well, we learned never leave Charlie-boy unattended when we're doing a spacewalk," said cosmonaut Mikhail Tyurin. "He almost killed cosmonaut Oleg Kotov with the robot arm when he was doing his spacewalk. I told him, 'look Charlie, the robotic arm joystick control is cool and all but its not a fucking toy!"

Simonyi's spaceflight is scheduled to end when he heads back to earth on April 20.

"April 20th couldn't come fast enough. We'll be lucky to be alive with this douchebag on-board," said Yurchikhin.

Cleaner burning E85 fueling unrest

2007-04-03T20:13:00.000-05:00

Muslim extremists show off their unrest in a more
"environmentally friendly" way. By fueling their unrest
with E85 ethanol.

AMMAN, Jordan (Banana Press Internatonal)--Protestors gathered around King Abdullah II's palace Tuesday, burning effigy's of the king, President Bush and British Prime Minister Blair as they called for the Jordan government to end their alliance with the U.S. and British governments.

But because extremists muslims are concerned about the environment, they are letting Ethanol E85 fuel their unrest.

"Most of our protests involve the burning of some world leader in effigy, well this uses a lot of expensive gasoline, so a bunch of us guys got together and decided that an 85 percent blend of ethanol and just 15 percent gasoline would not only use up less petroleum, but it would be good for the environment," said muslim extremist protester Ali Isheet mah-draers.

Muslim extremists immediately noticed the difference.

"We burned a straw effigy of your loathsome President Bush yesterday using E85 as an alternative fuel. Besides its superior performance characteristics, ethanol burns cleaner than gasoline and it is a completely renewable, domestic, environmentally friendly fuel that enhances our protests," said another extremist demonstrator. "Plus, your clothes doesn't smell all smokey when you get home, something the wife really appreciates."

Terrorist suicide bombers have even "gone green" with their self-immolation attacks recently. Nine out of the last 10 suicide bombing attacks in Baghdad were fueled by a cleaner and renewable Ethanol E85 gas alternative.

"We've tried to do away with clunky polluting gas burning old cars for our suicide attacks, in favor of environmentally-friendly bicycles where the bombers wear E85 fueled explosive fanny packs," said Baghdad suicide bombing regional manager Sayed Ahmanajad. "Green means clean, particularly when you're sending non-believing pigdogs to purgatory, but hey that's me!"

2007-03-28T21:36:00.000-05:00

Banana Blograma

HIJACKED JET DESTROYS WORLD'S TALLEST MAN IN DAY OF TERROR

Modest Chinese herdsman, Bao Xishun, appears on
Chinese television where he is destroyed by a hijacked
jet. Xishun later collapsed in what conspiracy theorists
categorized as a "controlled demolition."

Story developing.....

Photos of the day

2007-03-26T22:52:00.000-05:00

We're short of ideas, but here's a couple of photos of sports commissioners hammering the living hell out of their own players. Enjoy!

Commissioner Gary Bettman joins in on a bench-clearing
skirmish between the Montreal Canadians and the
Calgary Flames

Bud Selig takes out his frustration on an unfortunate baseball
player/standby.

2007-03-21T17:05:00.000-05:00

(The following are prepaid ads presented by Banana Blograma in accordance with the advertising department at Banana Press International):

More pre-paid advertisements

2007-03-17T15:19:00.000-05:00

(The following are prepaid ads presented by Banana Blograma in accordance with the advertising department at Banana Press International):

Consumers obsessed with huge big fat monster clocks, says merchant

2007-03-12T21:31:00.000-05:00

Johnny Waldd, owner of Monster Clock Brothers, Inc. for 50 years, says
that big huge fat monster clocks are all the rage.

AKRON, Ohio (Banana Press International)--Johnny Waldd, shopkeeper of the hugely successfully clock company, Monster Clock Brothers, waited to meet up with Tabitha a young blonde bombshell who had an insatiable craving for big clocks. She had traveled the world to find the best monster clock, but had come up short. Almost about to give up, a friend told her about a place that would satisfy her insatiable appetite for big monster clocks. More specifically, big huge black monster clocks.

Waldd's clock shop had the girth of monster clocks, from Karloff as Frankenstein's monster, to Bela Lugosi's classic Dracula--Waldd's monster clock package was not only massive, it was black!

Tabitha had bragged about how she only likes to take in 9 inch clocks, into her home. She said that anything below that would be a waste of her time. So then Tabitha's friend told her about Waldd and his big clock. Well, she thought her friend was bluffing until she flew to Akron and got her first look.

Waldd, an elderly gentleman, 85 years young, pulled out the big monster. Tabitha couldn't believe her eyes and her mouth just dropped as if her brain was already gauging the massive girth of the clock and mentally measuring how wide she would have to fit it inside, her livingroom. After the shock and awe wore off she couldn't wait to mount that thirteen inch black monster clock onto her moist, recently-painted livingroom walls.

"I'm merely extending my love to consumers who have a love of big black clocks," says Waldd. "Its a well-worn classic tradition here at Monster Clock Brothers."

Waldd saw his first huge monster clock when he was a young man. Ever since, he has been obsessed with big fat clocks.

"My grandfather showed me his clock," said Waldd. "Grandma would frequently polish grandpa's huge monster clock while us grandkids watched. We were frightened at first..because his clock had Lon Chaney Jr. as The Wolfman, but as time went on, we all wanted to join in and polish grandpa's massive monster clock together."

You can't buy experience says Waldd, who got his start selling his huge monster clock on the street.

"When I was 19 years old, I stood on the street corner holding my gigantic monster clock in my hands, when a man pulled over and offered me money for the pleasure to savor my colossal monster clock," says Waldd. "I hated to see that one go, it was a rare Lon Chaney Sr. Phantom of the Opera clock. It was so shiny and beautiful, I constantly polished it, even in public!

Waldd advises future monster clock sellers to care for their merchandise.

"Don't polish too hard or too fast, there are springs inside that get more intense with every rub. You don't want to watch your clock springs explode all over the street without anyone to catch all that."

Walter Reid is a disgrace

2007-03-08T20:13:00.000-06:00

Commentary by Eduardo Corrocchio: The much ballyhooed poet, peppermint bon-bon inventor and part-time flaming nipple male go-go dancer.

Much has been made about this Walter Reid debacle and all Eduardo Corrochio can ask is, how did this happen?

Walter Reid has been charged by the media and several people in government as having rotted holes, a greasy smell, is covered with mouse droppings, and is the owner of many many cheap mattresses from what I (Eduardo Corrochio) understand.

The conditions of this silly Mr. Reid (whom I looked up in Google) apparently has aroused a series of hearings to be held by a House committee which indicates that the government has been very lazy in helping this smelly, mouse-dropping laden Mr. Reid.

Eduardo is outraged!

I (Eduardo Corrochio) watched these hearings on CSPAN while enjoying several bottles of Eduardo Corrochio's favorite cognac. After the first half hour, I (Eduardo) had trouble understanding what the politicians were saying. But I did notice that there were several people dressed in suits who could be politicians and other men who were dressed in matching green uniforms. (Eduardo Corrochio had uniforms and medals). Matching green uniforms are okay to Eduardo Corrochio, but when you have several people dressed in these green clothings, it is simply too much.

Eduardo Corrochio can never tame a bull mano-e-mano with olive drab.

There was one testimony that I (Eduardo Corrochio) found very moving about a man who lost his left arm and suffered brain injuries, and then waited a couple of weeks for this Walter Reid person to help him. I don't remember why the man lost his arm and suffered brain injuries. I (Eduardo Corrochio) was quite drunk. But as I stare at the photo of this Mr. Reid I notice his intoxicating glare.........it sears.......BURNS!...through one's soul......rips apart layer-by-layer of your skull until it hurls itself into your now defenseless brain like a million tiny razor blades!!!

TEARING!!!!........TEARING!!!!

Please look away.................................for Eduardo Corrochio was about to chop off his arm with a pair of garden shiers, but stopped himself by plunging his face into a bowl of Ajax.

Eduardo Corrochio needs to go back to therapy because he talks about himself in the third person. This is simply a side-effect from the copious amounts of cognac consumed by Eduardo Corrochio.

Damn you Mr. Walter Reid you mouse dropping-laden, stained mattress-clad, smelly-hole bastard! Why do you burn into our souls so?

2007-03-05T21:39:00.000-06:00

From Banana Press International, November 15th, 2005!

Cowbell Gene, a day in a fat suit

Banana Blograma's Cowbell Gene puts on a 350-pound "fat suit" to get a reality check on the every day prejudices facing America's weight-challenged high-testosterone women with facial hair.

Sixty-two percent of high-testosterone women with excess facial hair in United States are overweight (or in Gene's case have their big floppy gut hanging out their undersized shirt), and now Banana Blograma is exposing the REAL WORLD they live in every time they step out of the house.

Our own COWBELL GENE underwent a startling transformation and went undercover on the streets of New York City as a 350-pound woman with facial hair to get a reality check on the every day prejudices facing America's weight-challenged high-testosterone women with facial hair.

"As someone in the public eye, I've dealt with my fair share of people looking at me like I'm out of my fucking mind," says Cowbell Gene. "But for the first time in my life, I found out what it's like to have people turn away, avoid eye contact, run away in horror, become violently ill -- in fact, do everything in their power to steer clear. A couple of people actually set themselves on fire like those buddhist monks in that famous picture. It was shocking. It was hurtful!"

Gene underwent a five-hour transformation, which included gluing large slabs of chuck roast to his torso -- which he barbequed and ate later. Then, with the help of more than one person, he tied his shoes.

"Turning myself into a 350-pound woman was eye-opening," says Gene. "I knew that I would be able to have an awesome barbeque with friends later on, but I never knew just how much it would affect me the first moment I saw how I looked...and it was AWESOME!!!!!"

Gene's first destination was the Central Park jogging path to see how he would be treated as a 350 pound woman with facial hair trying to pick up men. "It was one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life," reveals the cowbeller. "There were quite a few moments I'll never forget from the morning, like when a group of Italian gigolos walked by me and I heard them say, in Italian, "grasso," [which is] pretty easy to translate: gross, or fat or big and hairy or smelly or someone they might wanna 'double-up on,' I wasn't totally sure what they said."

Gene was completely ignored at a ritzy store --all the salespeople either hid behind the counter or threatened him with sharp objects. The construction workers weren't as receptive either: "The men who usually whistle and screech at any woman who walks by were not only silent -- they practically broke their necks turning away from me to vomit into their hard hats."

"Getting the chuck roast suit and the makeup on may have taken a few hours out of my life, and it was not a comfortable experience," concludes Gene in a gentle sobbing way. "I mean.........I'm sorry........getting emotional....................but we've gotta change our thinking about 350 pound hermaphrodites with beards!..............Ok...that's all for me! Its barbeque time!"

THIS POST inspired by observations by Mr. Shife, of Confessions of a Dumb White Guy.

Ask the National Weather Service

2007-03-01T18:22:00.000-06:00

The National Weather Service:
Answers your questions about
love, life and eveything
in-between.

Dear National Weather Service,
My husband and I have been married for five years. Ever since the birth of our first child, my in-laws frequently insist on visiting our house and staying for at least three days. The problem is that our house is very small and only has one bathroom, so having four adults and one baby scrunched in our home can get rather crowded. Plus there's literally no privacy. They have been visiting once every three months now! Help!

--Overwhelmed in Orlando

Dear Overwhelmed,
URGENT - IN-LAWS INVASION MESSAGE
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE
332 PM CST THU MAR 1 2007

..PARENTAL INVASION TO AFFECT THE SMALL RAMBLER HOUSE...

.A MAJOR IN-LAW INVASION WILL CONTINUE TO BRING WIDESPREAD LACK OF PRIVACY...
HEAVY AT TIMES...TO THE REGION SURROUNDING THE LIVINGROOM, KITCHEN, BATHROOM AND OTHER HIGH-TRAFFIC AREAS. ALONG WITH THE LACK OF PRIVACY...PEOPLE DEMANDING TO BE ENTERTAINED WILL CREATE HAZARDOUS CONDITIONS THROUGH FRIDAY AFTERNOON.

MNZ039-046-SDZ008-020>023-020545-
/O.CON.KABR.BZ.W.0001.000000T0000Z-070303T0000Z/
BATHROOM-BABY-LIVINGROOM-IN-LAWS-KITCHEN-DIRTY DISHES-BORING CONVERSATION-
332 PM CST THU MAR 1 2007

........................................ELDERLY PARENT WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 6 PM CST FRIDAY... NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICEIN-LAWS WILL CONTINUE TO INVADE YOUR HOUSE THROUGHOUT THE EVENING AND INTO THE OVERNIGHT HOURS. BOTH INLAWS MOVE FROM THE LIVINGROOM INTO THE KITCHEN AT APPROX 1 MPH...WITH GUSTS TO NEAR 1/2 MPH...ARE ALSO EXPECTED. TELL YOUR IN-LAWS THAT YOU NEED PRIVACY AND TO STAY IN A HOTEL.......

-----------------------------------------

Dear National Weather Service,
My fiance' and I are engaged to be married in August. He has recently started talking to and making friends again with his ex-girlfriend who I think just wants to steal him back. She's one of those possessive girls who can't let go. I frequently see her hanging over him, touching his arm, rubbing his chest and wearing skimpy skirts whenever he's around. Should I be concerned?

-- Troubled in Tuscaloosa,

Dear Troubled,

................................................................A SEVERE SLUT WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 945 PM EST FOR SOUTH OF YOUR FINANCE'S EQUATOR... NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICEAT 913 PM EST...NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE DOPPLER RADAR CONTINUED TO INDICATE A SLUT. THIS SLUT WAS LOCATED NEAR YOUR FIANCE'S APARTMENT...MOVING EAST AT 50 MPH INTO HIS PANTS. OTHER LOCATIONS IN THE WARNING AREA INCLUDE BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO INSIDE THE ZIPPER...INSIDE HIS BOXERS...AND THE PENIAL REGION. WHEN A SLUT WARNING IS ISSUED BASED ON DOPPLER RADAR...IT MEANS THAT STRONG SLUTTY ACTIVITY HAS BEEN DETECTED. A SLUT MAY ALREADY BE IN HIS PANTS...OR IS EXPECTED TO DEVELOP SHORTLY INTO THE BUMPING OF UGLIES, A BABY, AND/OR A VENERIAL DISEASE. IF YOUR FIANCE IS IN THE PATH OF THIS DANGEROUS STORM...MOVE HIM INDOORS AND TO A BASEMENT OR INTERIOR ROOM ON THE FIRST FLOOR. STAY AWAY FROM WINDOWS. IF DRIVING...DO NOT SEEK SHELTER UNDER A HIGHWAY OVERPASS.

NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE SLUT DOPPLER

If you have an urgent question for the National Weather Service, please contact the Emergency Broadcast System. The broadcasters of your area in voluntary cooperation with the Federal, State and local authorities have developed this system to give you advice about sex, love and other issues in the event of an emergency. If this had been an actual emergency, the wild scrolling messages you just saw would have been followed by official information, advice on how to throw a tupperware party, relationship advice, and other key points of etiquette. This concludes this Banana Blograma column of the National Weather Service and Emergency Broadcast System.

Ask a former next door neighbor of a serial killer

2007-02-28T22:31:00.000-06:00

Tim Halvorson: former next-door
neighbor to a serial killer answers
your questions about life, love
and everything in between.

Dear Tim,
I am a single woman in my early 30s who has never been married. I recently fell in love with a wonderful man with whom I spend a great deal of time. He is unaware of the intensity of my feelings, and I'm afraid of telling him out of fear of rejection. I have severe abandonment issues from past relationships. How can I adjust my level of expectations so I don't ruin another promising relationship?

-- Confused in California

Dear Confused,
Yeah, he was very quiet, kept to himself. Didn't know much about the guy, he lived with his folks before he moved next door. All the times they say he killed those people, I didn't see or hear much. I thought he was digging in the backyard for nightcrawlers like I do when I'm trying to find fish bait. Nice guy, he always said "hi" when you saw him outside and helped you out when you needed your car jumpstarted. Stuff like that.

----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Tim,
My husband of 10 years is a wonderful man, but was laid off from his job 4 months ago. Now he has had a handful of job interviews, none of them went beyond the first interview. He says that he's going to be more aggressive in his job hunt, but instead, he lays around the house all day watching TV. I'm almost beginning to think that he likes not having a job! What can I do, as his wife, to motivate him to get his butt off the couch and back looking for work?

--Anxious in Alabama

Dear Anxious,
He took part in the neighborhood watch program, helped his elderly neighbors out if they needed the snow shoveled or lawns mowed. I just can't see how such a nice guy could turn out to be such a monster. I mean, they found severed hands in a jar, severed heads in the freezer, a box of penises, and pictures of him having sex with the body parts. Its horrific to think of what went on in that house to those young male prostitutes! It just makes you sick inside!

--------------------------------------------------------

Dear Tim,
Last week, we invited good friends over for an informal dinner. When they walked in, they handed me their specially smoked turkey (which they smoke in their backyard smokehouse). I had a complete meal prepared which I spent hours of my time to prepare and a good bundle of money to purchase. I understand their gesture of kindness, but I feel that their "famous smoked turkey" steals the show (so to speak) from the meal that I have created. How can I kindly communicate to them that I would prefer that we simply stick to the food I have prepared?

--Flustered in Florida

Dear Flustered,
The guy would invite these young men into his home, offer them a drink. See...that's how he drugged them, by slipping something in their drink. Once he did that, he'd strangle them with a piano wire, dress these dead young men up as ballerinas, cut off their heads and fuck the neckwounds or some other kind of sick shit. They say that he even tried eating their livers as a sick way to "keep his victims with him at all times!" Unfucking believable! I can't believe I used to sit at home enjoying a beer, watching American Idol while all this body part dismemberment and fornicating shit was going down! I gotta fucking move now. It makes me sick inside!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Tim,
I love my wife, but she appears to be a compulsive shopper. She just keeps buying crap we don't need. Yesterday, she bought somekind of leather bustier that she later said wasn't the right size. Instead of returning the item, she simply tosses it in the closet with all the other impulse purchases. Everytime I confront her about this issue, she just shrugs and says "it might feel like wearing it someday." What can I do to help her break her impulsive buying habits?

--Tortured in Toronto

Dear Tortured
Oh he fucking tortured these young boys alright! With a power drill into their heads while they were partially unconscious. He would then pour Draino into the holes to watch them squirm before he'd strangle them to death. As for the foul stench emanating from his garage. Turns out, the cops found dismembered torso's hanging upside down in his garage. He'd try to become "one" with his victims by wearing their skin and dancing around the garage. Fucking sicko!

---------------------------------------------------------

Dear Tim,
I'm 19 years old and my boyfriend and his friends keep insist on going with each other to this club located downtown. He claims that he's just hanging out with his friends, but I hear from my friends that a lot of guys go to that same club to check out chicks. Everytime I bring up this issue he just blows me off. What can I do?

-- Rejected in Raleigh

Dear Regected,
Come to think of it, he had his power tool racket going on late at night around the 4th of July holiday last summer! That was weird! It was like 2 in the morning and he had what sounded like a power drill going. I could have sworn I heard muffled screams, but I automatically assumed it was some kind of rowdy party from a couple doors down. But I think those folks are usually up at their cabin, so maybe he was doing that sick shit to one of his victims! The next morning, he claimed that he was putting up dry wall. But who puts up Sheetrock at 2 in the morning?

Dammit! Why didn't I call the police? But, you know, the guy seemed pretty normal....kind of a loaner though.

If you have a question for Tim, send a letter to: Tim, P.O. Box 115, Milwaukee, WI.
Please don't come around Tim's neighborhood taking pictures and pointing at where the serial killer lived. Tim is already pretty fed up enough with the reporters. Now he has to deal with tourists and thrillseekers. He's pretty fucking sure that he's moving his ass out of the neighborhood pretty soon.

2007-02-26T22:12:00.000-06:00

From Banana Press International, Oct. 1, 2005!

Archeologists: Gregg ruled about 60 Sheets during the ancient Steno Age

This ancient Steno pad adds evidence that Gregg the Shorthand ruled 60 Sheets in Des Plaines, Illinois during the Stenographic Era.

DES PLAINES, Illinois-- (Banana Press International) Archeologists unearthed stationary evidence that 60 Sheet Tribes in North America were once conquered by the ancient Notesmen as early as the Stenographic Era.

Experts of ancient Universal Office Products were able to identify Gregg as the ruler of the 60 Sheets, but added that many of the Sheet tribes apparently had green tinted skin.

"This was one of the great findings of Stenographic Era history," said Beth Swingline, manager of the St. Paul Staples. "Gregg's rule brought a new measurement to the Stenographic Notesman Era (commonly referred as the "Notes"), and now you can get 2-Steno books for only $1.99 with your Staples Club Card!"

Historians say that Gregg and the Notesman raided the Supply Cabinete' region in Des Planes (which was maintained by the Officemanageroppa tribe.) The great Post-It battle of 1845 was noted for its violence as well as its proactiveness. Gregg the Shorthand deployed several Notes to the region to adhere themselves to several key spots.

While the Notes were noted for their adherence abilities, they could easily be removed without causing damage to the natural landscape.

The Officemanageroppa's eventually became known as the "Sheet Tribe" in a new name contest. The Sheets were unique because of their green tinted skin. The tribe's smooth surface complemented the early Notesman during Gregg's short dictationship.

In 1888, Gregg was shredded by the American cavalry, after he started documenting confidential information.

Pick up the newest edition of Access Cowbell!

2007-02-20T20:02:00.000-06:00

David Blaine ends latest stunt by escaping JetBlue airplane

2007-02-19T18:27:00.000-06:00

Camera that loved Anna Nicole Smith: "I am the child's father"

2007-02-15T20:17:00.000-06:00

MIAMI, Florida (Banana Press International)--The camera loved Anna Nicole Smith...literally. In a shocking press conference, Bob Nikon, Smith's D70 digital camera, admitted to fathering Smith's 2nd child.

"We were just taking some glamor shots, I told her to squeeze her breasts together, I zoomed in and next thing I know my camera lens gets all fogged up, and BOOM!..we're doing the horizontal Liebowitz," said Nikon.

"I forgot to wear a lens cap that night. Next thing I know she's calling me a week later saying that she missed her period and was puking up disposable cameras all over the place."

Experts close to the case are skeptical of Nikon's claims saying that the camera bears no resemblance to Smith's young daughter.

"That's bullshit man, but time will tell. You wait five years from now, they'll be saying that this kid has a photographic memory. Where do you think she'll get that shit? Howard K. Fucking Stern? That anus can't even find his car keys."

NASA historians: Apollo astronaut had Nowak-esque meltdown

2007-02-11T11:45:00.000-06:00

Astronaut Gene Cernan seen in December of 1972, drives
in his moonbuggy, in a mad rage, to the other side of the
lunar terrain to pepperspray fellow astronaut Harrison "Jack" Schmitt.

HOUSTON (Banana Press International)--NASA Astronaut Lisa Nowak, 43, may seem like a bizarre isolated love triangle, but experts revealed Saturday that a similar incident occurred during one of the Apollo moon landings.

In December 1972, bad blood boiled over into lunar violence between Commander Eugene Cernan and lunar module pilot Harrison "Jack" Schmitt. The triggers of the incident stemming from Cernan's suspicion that Harrison "fucked his wife."

The latter resulted in a moon buggy confrontation that almost resulted in injury or fatality. Cernan, who was also wearing diapers, drove his moon buggy across southeastern rim of the Mare Serenitatis, in the southwestern Montes Taurus.

Cernan commented by radio to Harrison about the roughness of the Serenitatis terrain drawing a biting comment from Harrison.

"Rough...that's how your wife likes it."

The comment drew an angry reprisal from Commander Cernan where he sped to Harrison's location screaming "I knew it. Motherfucker!"

The matter was apparently resolved on the basis that Cernan didn't bring pepper spray to the lunar surface and that the two would "meet in a Johnson Space Center parking lot someday to straighten things out." No accounts exist of how the incident was resolved.

"There's definately a tie-in with the diapers and flipping out and getting into a vehicle to kill your rival lover," NASA psychologist Flip Outsen said. "Future space missions are sure to include love triangle isolation experiments designed to garner soap opera-like results so this hilarious.......um...tragic incident never happens again."

NASA Astronaut Nowak: Fitted with maximum protection during arraignment!

2007-02-08T20:10:00.000-06:00

From Happy Astronaut to cranky person who loses
her marbles® and everything in between!
Count on her choice for ADULT UNDERGARMENT®
brands for unbeatable choices.

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida (Banana Press International)--NASA astronaut, Lisa Nowak's optimistic spaceflight career might launch itself into the slammer. But right now Capt. Lisa Marie Nowak can be confident that she's getting comfortable and effective bladder control protection!

You can still lose your marbles, but you can be dry, comfortable and confident even while attacking a romantic rival for another astronaut’s affection at Orlando International Airport after driving more than 900 miles from Houston to meet her flight.

Lisa Nowak, 43, drove hundreds of miles to confront a rival wearing SUPER ABSORBANT® Undergarments that feature a trim fit between the legs, giving Capt. Nowak the freedom to twist, turn, crawl, and walk. With the stretchiest sides around, Nowak's SUPER ABSORBANT® undergarments are designed to follow her every move while dousing her romantic rival with pepper spray or possibly killing her with a knife.

Lisa Nowak walked into court Tuesday at the Orange County Jail in Florida where she was experiencing slight chafing of the inner thighs. Its a good thing she brought along Lavender Wipes®. The lavender scent helps calm Capt. Nowak as thousands of soft cleansing buds reach and gently clean even the smallest creases of her chapped buttocks!

A Navy captain who flew on a shuttle mission last summer, Captain Nowack, was originally arrested on attempted kidnapping and other charges. The bond was set by the judge at $15,500.

But Tuesday afternoon, the police filed new charges against her, citing her possession of a steel mallet, a buck knife with a four-inch blade, a BB gun and a map to her rival's house and SUPER ABSORBANT® Undergarments with Ultra ABSORB-STOP® protection which quickly absorbs and locks fluids away as it neutralizes odor for the best UNDERGARMENT® protection ever!

Dems raise congressional election championship banner on rafters

2007-02-06T22:50:00.000-06:00

Democrats added a new congressional election banner
on the rafters on the left side of the House of
Representatives Monday.

WASHINGTON (Banana Press International)--The U.S. Congressional Democratic team was honored for its season achievements Monday. The team won their first Election Championship in the 2006 election season and received their long awaited championship rings to top off their victory.

Head coach Nancy Pelosi talked about the season and her team. She recognized the party for their hard work all season, which helped them reach such a large accomplishment. She also recognized assistant coach Harry Reid, who has been coaching beside her for a few years.

“We came, we saw, we gave it 110 percent, I want to thank Jesus for casting the deciding votes for us," said Pelosi, pointing to the sky.

This title secures bragging rights for Democrat fans nationwide.

Republicans, still licking their wounds from the last championship contest, are philosophical about the loss.

"We dropped the ball a lot, threw it to that Neocon guy who lives in the White House too many times, he dropped the ball like it was covered with lard," said Republican wide receiver Chuck Hagel. "That's just not gonna get it done."

In order to be more competitive for future contest, the two parties hope to raise campaign funds by selling jerseys in the lobby of Congress and installing club suites, along with implementing a season ticket plan to fans.

Talks are already underway to build a new $800 million congress complete with retractable roofs, 50 club suites (for each state represented), and special season ticket packages. The new congress is proposed to be built in 2015.

"Mac guy" found dead with power cord, serial video and network cables inserted into anus

2007-02-03T16:02:00.000-06:00

This system is hosed: say authorities

The hip "Mac guy" in the Mac commercials
was found "hosed" yesterday and virtually
unbootable.

Story developing...

NORAD to patrol Superbowl XLI ads

2007-01-30T22:57:00.000-06:00

NORAD will be tightening security ensuring the safety
of really hilarious Superbowl ads.

NEW YORK (Banana Press International) -- The Continental U.S. NORAD Region is dramatically beefing up its air patrols in the Madison Avenue area to increase security to ensure the safety of those really hilarious Super Bowl XLI ads.

Superbowl ad viewers will occasionally hear the Air Force Demonstration Squadron, the Thunderbirds, fly over various commercials during the Superbowl.

"We have a really funny ad this year involving the clydesdales," said Remme Rifkin, spokesman for Anheiser Busch, Inc. "We hope the fighter plane noise or the military patrols won't distract viewers away from our product."

The patrols are a swift, efficient way to protect American advertisers, said Maj. Gen. Harry Knockers, the commander of both 1st Air Force and Continental U.S. North American Funny Ads Defense Command Region.

"Nothing ruins a funny ad more than a suicide bomber. Do you want that? NORAD protects a variety of national advertisers across the nation," General Knockers said. "We don't want a repeat the 1975 incident where the Symbionese Liberation Army crashed a Miller Lite ad, beat up Billy Martin, and drank all the beer."

In preparation for the Super Bowl XLI hilarious ads, NORAD fighters will make low approaches at several commercials including FedEx Kinkos, Coca Cola, Anheiser Busch, Toyota, GoDaddy.com, CareerBuilder.com and others.

"We want citizens to know that we remain dedicated to protecting their freedoms to watch commercials as we project our determination to preserve peace and our way of watching really hilarious ads and spending copious amounts of money like zombies," General Knockers said.

Ask a fashion photographer

2007-01-27T11:17:00.000-06:00

Armando Arriba,
World renown fashion
photographer,
answers your
questions about
life, love and
everything in
between.

Dear Armando,
I'm engaged to marry my boyfriend of 4 years, but he insists on chewing tobacco otherwise he says he "doesn't feel right." I have noticed that his mood can be temperamental if he goes a few hours without his beloved Kodiak. I'm really scared that he's going to end up with mouth cancer or some other horrible mouth disease, (plus its a nasty habit) and I refuse to kiss him after he's been "chewing." How can I approach him gently that its time to quit?

--Perplexed in Pennsylvania

Dear Perplexed,
You need to just walk up to your man, sit him down gently, gaze into his eyes lovingly and say "Beautiful!! Feeling it, gimme a smile! That's it! Yes!!! You're an animal! You're a beast! Love the camera!!! LOVE THE CAMERA!!! YES!!!!!

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Dear Armando,
I am a 41 year-old man who has been married for 15 years. My wife and I have grown apart in recent years perhaps due to the fact that her and I never really got to know each other when we first got hitched. Anyway, I suspect that she's been cheating on me. Her behavior has been odd and distant, we get a lot of hangup calls to the house, and now she keeps claiming that she's going to "happy hour" after work, only to arrive home at midnight with her hair ruffled, buttons missing from her blouse, and her pantyhose all torn. Last night she came home with grass and dirt stains on her skirt and suspicious white stains peppered all over her blouse and skirt. What should I do?

-- Anguished in Arizona

Dear Anguished,
She's cheating on you! You need to hire a private investigator, find out where your unfaithful wife and her "boy toy" are having their rendezvous, break down the door with a stern kick while they are rolling about the bed in unrelenting passion, whip out the camera and yell YES! That's it! Make love to the camera! Love it! Yes!....You are a carbohydrate deprived lumberjack and she's a Toasters strudel! Consume her! Slather her with your stick of butter! SLATHER! That's it!! Now lick the camera lens! LICK!......YES!......NOW YOU ARE BOTH CANNIBALISTIC CINNAMON ROLLS!.....CONSUME EACH OTHER!....THERE IT IS!....FANTASTIC!

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Dear Armando,
My next-door neighbors are remodeling their house and have installed special floodlights to illuminate their garden. Unfortunately, their floodlights shine on our deck and hot tub, and has destroyed our privacy anytime we want to take a leisurely soak. They claim its because their house was broken into, but that was 10 years ago and they have since installed a sophisticated alarm system. I have spoken to them about it several times but they keep ignoring me and my husband citing "safety" reasons. How do we balance safety with privacy?

-- Violated in Virginia

Dear Violated,
This is a tragedy. Because when you have been soaking in a hot tub virtually naked feeling the steam, nothing is more distracting than a flood light that shines onto your quivering nude flesh telling you to feel the beat! FEEL THE BEAT! GIVE IT TO ME! COME ON! LOVE THE WATER!! LOVE THE WATER!!!! FEEL THE STEAM! YOU'RE AN ANIMAL! YOU ARE A STEAM MACHINE! WORK THE WATER! WORK IT! OWN IT! OWN IT! YOU ARE A LOVER BOY AND YOU ARE HIS LOVER GIRL!!!.....THAT'S IT! YES! RIGHT THERE!....FEEEEEL THE LENS.....FEEL IT!!....YOU ARE THE UNITY OF FLESH, STEAM AND MORE FLESH!...AND MORE STEAM.........RIGHT THERE! YES!

If you have a question for Armando Arrrrriba, send a letter to: Armando, P.O. Box 115, Ohyeslovethecamera, IL 61006. Please include three photos of yourself with the following poses:
1. pouty
2. ravenously animalistic
3. schoolgirl naughty.

British spy satellite killed by Chinese

2007-01-22T21:17:00.000-06:00

British special spy satellite Adhere 0007--seen enjoying
a martini at a black tie party--exploded into a million
pieces when he was rammed by a villainous Chinese satellite.

LONDON (Banana Press International)--British spy satellite "Adhere 0007" finally met his end Monday as he was rammed into a cloud of space dust by a rival Red Chinese spy satellite while taking spy photos over Iceland.

Sources from the Her Majesty's Secret Service report that 0007 was investigating leads of government sponsored Chinese PowerPoint laser-pointer dealers selling their pointers to evil businessmen bent on world conquest.

His search eventually lead to billionaire businessman Ivan Jackinov who's scheme, involves the construction of Icarus, an orbital laser system made of millions of tiny laser pointers designed to supposedly create an incredibly gigantic laser pointer spot with an area of five city blocks designed to wow investors into creating one great gigantic PowerPoint presentation that the world can share.

In truth, the orbital system is actually a superweapon designed to "blow shit up."

Adhere 0007, already, having the reputation of frolicking with the ladies, was lured into a low orbit by a Russian double-agent spy satellite where he was rammed by the evil rival Chinese henchsatellite that goes by the name of "Wan To Fli Hi."

Adhere doesn't leave any official family members to speak of, but is rumored to have left behind a cluster of baby satellites and a number of perturbed mother spy satellites.

Adhere 0007, originally launched in 1962, has taken on many appearances and age levels, but pundits of the British spy community argue that the first Adhere 0007 was the best Adhere of them all.

Consumer Reports: Most child seats fail on jet-propelled landspeed cars

2007-01-18T22:10:00.000-06:00

Consumer Reports says that pretty much all infant car
seats it tested on the Thrust SuperSonic Car (SSC)
performed poorly at speeds of 760 mph.

ASPEN HILL, Md (Banana Press International)--When parents buy an infant seat for their SuperSonic Landspeed car most believe they are purchasing a product that will keep their child protected from harm in case of an accident. Surprisingly, and quite shockingly, many of these parents are deadly wrong. Consumer Reports tested 12 infant car seats. All preformed rather poorly.

"The data showed that adults in the SuperSonic landspeed vehicles are better protected than infants riding on top of those vehicles while traveling at speeds upwards of 760 mph," says Howie Felterjiggle with Consumer Reports. "After exhaustive testing we found out that the intense aerodynamics alone would jar the seat loose from the landspeed vehicle, thereby causing possible injury."

While landspeed vehicles such as the Thrust SSC have an inner compartment for the adult driver, there is no current space inside the cockpit to accommodate a child occupant.

"I can't tell you how many times that I've wanted to take the SuperSonic car for a drive to the grocery store but the wife's at work and I'm stuck with our 1 year-old. There's no compartment for the groceries and I have to invest in bungee cords and 45 minutes of my time strapping the little bugger to the side of the vehicle. So I reluctantly end up taking the Toyota," says Felterjiggle. "The industry really needs to make accommodations here. The price of jet fuel is insane as it is."

2007-01-15T22:52:00.000-06:00